Summer Updates!

Last month I decided to surprise my partner by dying my naturally golden locks to a dark shade of red and brown, however I was the one surprised when he looked at me with pity and exclaimed that he didn't like it... it reminded him of his ex wife! SHIT! I didn't break up with him over the comparison to his ex, though I momentarily considered it. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty and all, but who likes being compared to another woman, let alone an ex? I have been so busy that I haven't gotten around to removing the color, until right now. My son is at school and my oldest daughter and I are taking a "recess" from her home school studies long enough for her to watch PBS' "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" and me to make my natural, "dear lord please let this work" hair dye removal mixture. While my mixture is setting, I thought I may ignore my breakfast dishes to update this little outlet of mine.

My partner and I had his kids for a couple weeks this summer. What a blast! I learned soooooo much about Minecraft and yet there is so much more to learn. You know the scene in "Being John Malkovich" where John Malkovich goes inside his own brain and all anyone says is "Malkovich... Malkovich malkovich malkovich"? 

Well... Replace "Malkovich" with "Minecraft" and you have the nearly complete diary of my summer. 

J took his kids and I to Vegas where I met his mother, sister and her family. Unfortunately, the heat of the day proved to be too much for my dehydrated body and wasn't able to enjoy my time there as much as I would have liked. His family was very welcoming and I am looking forward to deepening our relationships. :) 

J and I overlooking the strip outside of New York-New York Hotel and Casino.

J and I got some time on the strip. We found our way to the empty top floor of The Rainforest Cafe where we canoodled under the faux forest canopy. We'd randomly stop and slow dance while walking the strip, we drank coffee at Jean Philippe Patisserie while listening to a pianist and people watching. Then, when my feet were sore from walking in heels the entire time, my man picked me up and carried me back to the car. Forget chivalry, J is just down right romantic. 

While in Vegas, my co-worker called to notify me that the restaurant we worked for suddenly closed, but everything happens for a reason and I was able to take the time I needed for other things. I had a procedure done to remove the cancer cells in my cervix, got registered for my fall classes and spent time running essential errands, bonded with J's kids and got ready for my children to return home.

This summer had many family adventures including the San Diego Fair, Seaworld, days spent playing in the pool, hikes and science discovery centers (see pics at the bottom)... but the one adventure I was ecstatic about, was my trip to the East Coast to pick up my kiddos from their Dad's house. I took the bus to catch the train to the airport.  I'm not used to public transportation, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting new people and listening to whatever stories they chose to divulge. I may have to take buses more often.

My kiddos were very excited to see me and I was able to give them lots of snuggles before crashing out on my ex's couch. My ex had to work so I packed up the kiddos' belongings and got them loaded up. Their dad fixed us dinner and I did a small photoshoot of him and the kids before taking off home. Three days in the car with three kids and I didn't even get a dern t-shirt! BUT what I did get is the solidification that my kids are AMAZING!   

My son, the "Co-Pilot" had the same sense of urgency to return to our West Coast home as I did. The reason? The kids and I were due to arrive home on a Friday night and our town's schools systems returned to school the following Monday. StigKidC just couldn't wait to get back home to play with "[his] brothers". StigKidG and StigKidA both took to J's daughter as their "sister" as well. It's almost a dream how well they all get along. 

My girls... The "Floaty Sisters"

J's kiddos are back with their mom and our little condo is feeling a little bit bigger (quite like the electric bill). J, StigKidC and I are very much looking forward to catching J's oldest son's weekly baseball games. :) J got some awesome news at work, and that means we may be moving... Good thing I decided to get my degree online instead of a brick and mortar. I now have the freedom to go anywhere, follow my heart, without having to interrupt my education (again).

Life keeps constantly moving and I am loving each and every day. On a mushy note, I've found my happiness. I found a man who stands beside me, a man who brings out the best in me and nurtures my soul. We can lay next to each other and talk for hours about things like universal energy, quantum mechanics, book ideas, random acts of kindness and how we can make this world a better place. He dances with me... all the time and he makes me laugh. I am so grateful that, today, for however long it lasts (I'm counting on forever), he is in my life. I am thankful that he is an amazing father figure for my children and looks out for them, plays with them, the same as his own. I am surprised when he uses words like "we" "us" and "our" when discussing his future. Yes... Our future. Our plans. Our family. Our happiness.

Oh how sweet it is. :) 

Family Time Communication Questions

Every evening our family sits down together to eat. It get's a little crazy here, especially on the days we have all seven, but I know that no matter how hectic the day gets, I can always look forward to the uninterrupted family time that I so cherish. We go around the table asking specific questions about each other's day and talk about anything we feel we need to, highs and lows.

Gosh, I can't tell you how good it feels to have that open dialogue and the wonders it does for our closeness. I can't recommend it enough. If you're like me, you're always scouting refreshing ways to talk to your spouse and your kiddos. I stumbled upon a sweet little list today that may help you out.

*Long side note*
This list is specific to school aged children, but don't forget to ask your spouse about their day and let the children join in the conversation. Often, we forget to talk about what we do all day when we are not around our kids, but discussing our work with children can better expand their knowledge and understanding of the world and how things work. and to the parents who are able to stay at home or work from home, your job (really... JOBS) may seem mundane at times, maybe even seemingly unimportant, but it is a huge responsibility and discussing it with children and your spouse is not only cathartic, but just as informative to your spouse and children.

25 Ways to Ask Your Kids 'So How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'So How Was School Today?'

Life of TheStigMom Part One:BabyStig

Just a little history for those who like reading about other people’s stories.

The history of my mom and dad is the typical American love story.. Ya know… Divorced mother of one (my mom) meets “SD” at a bar, they have sex, “SD” ends up having a family of his own and when my mom tells “SD” she is pregnant, “SD” told my mom to get lost or SHE would ruin his family.  Sigh Real winner, that one.

So with my Sperm Donor out of the picture, my mother set out to have me on her own. Now, my mom had been living with one of the worst cases of MS that the specialists in Washington State had ever documented. She was advised to abort me, Her mother pleaded with her, worried for her safety. My mother was told she wouldn’t survive the pregnancy, if she did survive, I wouldn’t, and if I did… there was only a slim chance I would be born healthy.

My mom chose life, I was born healthy, but she lost the use of her legs and the doctors told her she would never walk again. My single, disabled mother of two, didn’t believe them and with determination… she was eventually able to get out of her wheelchair. She did the very best she could. She was a very determined woman, but her struggles were just beginning. I don’t know what caused my mother to lose her mind, the disease, genetics, the medications, I really don’t expect answers.  The fact remains she did. 

Before I left the hospital, a few days old, my mother thought it’d be okay to feed me mashed potatoes. Even with family taking turns coming to help her care for us, she’d forget feedings, forget she even had children for hours at a time. I was hospitalized with a Failure to thrive (FTT). I don’t really remember anything, being that young, but do know that’s when my 8 year old sister, H, started caring for me. She was my little mommy.  I loved her more than I loved anything else.

My mother wasn’t a monster. I know that a woman has needs, and even with her illness (turned mental illness), my single mother needed to feel loved, she needed the attention of men. She’d bring men home and sometimes those men would find her two little daughters attractive too. Get where I’m going with this? This I remember clearly. My older sister always did her best to protect me from the harm these savage men would do. She’d sneak me into her room in a pile of blankets, she’d lock her doors… she was braver than any child should have to be. My sister was my protector, my hero. Some days our mother would lose her patience, her anger usually spewed unto my sister. I remember our mom telling H things like I was her favorite, how she was ugly... I remember my sister taking the blame for little insignificant things that I did (not even two years old I was probably a mess maker) and getting whipped with the cord of the vacuum, and I remember being left alone, a lot. My sister would hurry back from school each day to take care of me. Until one day she came home and I wasn’t there.

That day a woman came to the door. I was used to random people coming in and talking to my mother, we lived blocks away from a Jehovah’s witness church and really, my mother rarely turned anyone away who came to talk about Jesus. That day, however, the woman didn’t come to talk about God, She came to remove me from the home. My mother called me from the kitchen into the livingroom. I remember the look on her face. The lady offered me a stuffed animal but I was hesitant to go near her. My mother must have been lucid that day, She was calm, but her eyes were sad as she forced a smile and said it was alright to go. She hugged me tight and told me she loved me. The sky was clear, the air was warm and the calm and gentle movements of my caseworker’s car lulled me to sleep. It was a short car ride and the crunch of the gravel stirred me awake in time to watch the car pull in to the driveway of my new life.

Warrior Roots: History Brought to Light

My history was a long story. It's one of betrayal, illness, plot twists, death and vikings. Are you read for a read? Here it is:

Colleen Stafford, born in Bellingham, Washington in the 50's, twice divorced, mother of one,  was diagnosed in the 80's with one of the worst cases of MS seen by Washington doctors. Every specialist she saw gave her a short life expectancy but offered trial medications. She lost the ability to feel her lower extremities and with a grim diagnosis she found comfort at the bars and in the arms of strange men. She began an affair with the married neighbor across the street and soon found herself pregnant with me. She and her sister asked the man to be involved but he turn them away and told them to stop calling on him because they were going to ruin his family.

The doctors advised my mother to have an abortion. Her medical state and the medications she had to take had the doctors convinced that there was no chance I'd be born healthy and would likely die in the womb. They also advised that pregnancy would most definitely paralyze her and worsen her symptoms. She fought the pain and had me anyway... healthy against all odds. Her condition DID get worse and I was eventually placed in foster care with her brother (my uncle) while my older sister was placed in the care of her biological father. I was eventually adopted right before I turned 8, but I rarely ever saw my sister after the age of 3 and longed desperately for her, sending cards, letters and eventually emails without ever receiving a response.

Fast forward to 2000, my biological aunt gave me a newspaper clipping of a man's obituary
and told me that the man in photo was my father and that he had just died in a motorcycle accident. I never new him, I felt no emotion for him and filed the clipping away with my adoption paperwork and few cherished photos.


2004, Married and looking at my newborn son, I started to reminisce about family and wonder about my own parentage. I dug out my old box of keepsakes and really looked at the obituary for the first time. I began to wonder about his next of kin listed. Did he ever tell them about me? Was he really my dad? I am certain there was a possibility I wasn't his. How would his kids react if I looked them up and asked for a DNA test so I could have closure. The dread of potentially ruining someone's idea of their dad was worse than not having my answers (especially if a DNA test proved that we weren't related and it was all for nothing), so I closed the chapter in my life and moved on.

2013. Newly divorced and unpacking my new apartment, I ran across my paperwork. My biological mother lost her mind when I was little and took her final rest in 2011, so it's not like I could ask her for more information about it. I was finally ready to take the chance. The pain of rejection from my potential siblings wouldn't have been anything compared to the pain of my husband's betrayal that I had just started to grow from. I figured I'd have a better chance at a less emotional conversation with a man, so I looked up this deceased man's son on facebook and found him. I creeped on his profile a little to see what he was like, if we had similar features, and most importantly that he seemed mentally stable. It took longer than it should have to write up a draft, spilling my guts to a stranger. I sighed and convinced myself to hit "send", then I waited. Days went by. Weeks went by... Months went by, I figured he just thought I was a scam artist and decided not to respond.

Nearly a year to the day later, I received a reply, only to find out that my potential brother was not my sperm donor's biological son.

BUMMER!!!

That huge let down was quickly followed by more hope as he explained that his dad had adopted him, but had two daughters from a previous marriage. He was still close with one so he'd explain the situation to her and get us in touch! A few days later I was getting to know this awesome lady who happily entertained the idea of having another sister and she consented to a DNA test. We took one and had enough  alleles in common to  be able to say that we're half sisters.  I got my answer and now I could start the process of looking up our genealogy.







NEXT PROBLEM:

Bio dad was secretly adopted! Seriously? How many road blocks was I going to encounter with my paternal family quest!!! Luckily, my siblings knew he had been adopted and knew his biological parent's real names so I could continue on to find that my sisters and I are the 33rd-great grandchildren of Rollo.... Yup, Viking Rollo (Here's the genetic line to see how that works out.)

In the show Vikings, Rollo is the brother of Ragnar Lothbrok, however, Ragnar is a legendary Norseman based off of 4-5 other, very real warriors. Rollo is however, very much real and awesomely badass.  I am also a direct descendant of Constantine, Marcus Aurelius, and can trace a line all the way to Abraham... Yeah... Of the bible. I waited so long for answers and now, I have an abundance. 

Upped My Investment Game

Yesterday was a BIG day of celebrations in my home. I was able to invest more into my family's future.

When I met my ex husband, I was a teenager, working full time after school as an optician's assistant, with a paid for junker car, money in the bank, Roth IRAs and thought I would die of embarrassment if I were to over draw my checking account. After a year of dating, I suggested that we invest together, which worked out for a couple months and dropped off when we got pregnant and started planning our future life together. Within our first year of marriage we were practically living in the red. I was horrified, but we had a new baby to feed. We cashed in all the investments to keep us afloat during those hard years until eventually, our

My firstborn baby, StigKidC

camera gear became the only assets we owned.

I was a doormat wife. I tried talking to my husband about smart choices with our money, but I knew that it was him bringing in the income and he, as the leader of our home, who got to make the decision in the end. I can't tell you how many times in the tens years of our marriage that we went in the hole because he prioritized his wants over the needs of our family. In the later years of our marriage, I had given up trying to discuss finances, beyond telling him how much we needed for groceries. I started becoming jealous that he was out having a good time, while the kids and I were dressed in hand me downs. So I went out and started spending too. That isn't the best idea, I don't advise that. Eventually I started working more, earning my own income to do with as I pleased (much better idea). At this point in my marriage I knew I was ready for a divorce, but I was bitter and damn sure wanted HIM to pay for it, because in my mind, I had paid many times over. I was still spending. I got my hair done for the first time in two years, I took a vacation, I bought new clothes and shoes for the kids and I. I was living for the first time... but I still regret not investing or saving more.

Now, I've met this awesome guy who got into debt in his first marriage and is working with "gazelle intensity" to pay it all off within 2 years. Just being on the same page about finances motivated me to get my personal finances on track. Of course, I have savings accounts for myself and my children. Last month Justin and I saved up a joint emergency fund, I'm bringing in a profit from my multimedia business and making additional money by selling unwanted items and... my tax refund has arrived.

Let me just preface this by reiterating; Justin and I budget every penny BEFORE it arrives in our bank accounts. We list out our bills, including gas, groceries, a small amount of fun money and anything that's left over gets divided up into Savings, Tithe and paying off debt. (Honestly, We aren't quite doing this right, tithe and savings should be the first 10% (each) of the income, not just what's leftover, but I know we'll get there). So, of course, we had planned out what to do with my tax return well before we got it. The breakdown is below.

I buy my insurance and do most of my banking through USAA. They are an amazing company to do business with, I just LOVE them! I know USAA offers free financial advice so J and I called them up to answer questions and help us invest for my children's college. My financial adviser, Tawnya, also asked me if I had thought about investing in my own retirement and investing in life insurance. Now, I'm a skeptical girl. For a month I worked to get a job with a life insurance company  just to turn down the job in the end because I believed they were more in the business of scamming people instead of helping. However, Listening to Dave Ramsey, I am also under the belief that when researching policies I should make sure to seek Term-Life insurance. [To learn more about Life insurance, check out cswsiggy.blogspot.com]

I lost my life insurance coverage and split retirement benefits in the divorce. I was in need of a new policy, and this time, one that I was in control of.. what I didn't know was J was also in the market for additional coverage. We both got pre-screened, appointment set for medical exams, and quotes for 30 year, Term policies.

Next up was investing in my retirement account. Having invested before, my adviser and I discussed low. moderate and high risk portfolios. I was seeking investments in which I could continually make contributions throughout the year. I eventually ended up choosing the Cornerstone Moderate Fund. The fund has about a 50% equity security/50% fixed income security target asset class allocation... basically, half stocks, half

Cornerstone Mutual Fund History

bonds. I can actively track my investments and (of course) I get quarterly statements. $1000 bought me 66 units and has a steady monthly rate of return.

Finally, my adviser and I got to the most important investments to me, my children's college funds. To my knowledge, no one ever saved for me to go to college. It was a struggle just to put food on the table. My parents told me that if I wanted to go to college, I'd have to get there on a scholarship. I went to an extremely competitive high school and I knew that even though I was an honor roll student, I didn't have the extra curricular activities and foreign languages required for traditional four year colleges. I had no idea about federal grants until a week before I gave birth to my oldest child. Ever since then, I've been making my way through higher education and it's important to me to help my children make their way through college as well. I am a moderate risk kind of person and I again chose a moderate risk, 529 investment plan for the children. StigKidC will be ten this year, which means he has about 8 years until college with only a small savings to his name. I decided to invest double the amount into his account than I did my girls since I have a little more time to invest in their funds.

The next financial goals are beefing up our emergency fund, saving for a house and adding legacy funds to my estate for all seven of our kiddos.

Cheers to me, for being in financial control of my future and many more wise decisions to come!

Break it Down "Barney Style"

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations.
Albert Einstein

When I heard this quote for the first time today it impacted me greatly. I have a tendency to get caught up in my work and become very technical, almost cold, when it comes to presenting facts.

Last week I had researched social and family theories in relation to blended family systems and wanted to share this incredible information with my partner. My partner's brilliance is the main reason why we're in a relationship so in my excitement, I approached him with my newly discovered information in their technical form. I soon became discouraged when I didn't get the reaction I had anticipated.
He said, "Babe, I'm excited that you're excited, but the way you're talking to me is clinical and cold. I am having trouble following you, this isn't interesting me."

I am so thankful he said that. He made me look outside of my perspective, beyond the facts and think about how I could explain the helpful, intriguing information in a manner that could be better understood.

In the end, I think I still bored him, and when I gave my final presentation I may have been "too thorough". Yes, I aced my final, but I'm disappointed that I didn't make my information more entertaining and memorable. You can bet that I'm going to keep working at it.

La-La-La-La Life Goes On!

Goodness Gracious! It's been WAY too long since I've have time to post. Really, I don't have the time now, but I figured I'd start writing and see how far I get.

I MOVED!!! I sorted and packed up a two story, four bedroom, two and a half bath home and moved into a tiny 2 bedroom upstairs apartment. *Whew* It's crowded, but I hear that love grows best in little houses (If you don't know the song I'm referencing, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xCdyMq6z1c).

I happened to meet and become friends with some prominent members in our new town who just LOVE introducing me to everyone and are helping me adjust and settle into the area. My multimedia business took a hit as I chose to focus on family life and moving, so I picked up a part time job, working nights at a cantina to
help supplement the income until I can reestablish my business. I'm learning the ropes pretty quick 

Posing with some of my friends at my new job!

considering I had only ever been a hostess before, when I was 15, and now I'm working the kitchen and Bar! Everyone's pretty friendly and I love the shocked look on people's faces when I tell them I'm nearly 30. I honestly had no idea I looked young. I get 21 and 22 year olds guys asking me out and drinking all night just to flirt. It's great for my ego, especially after years of feeling old and worn down. I have a fresh smile on my face and I highly doubt it's going anywhere anytime soon. *Knock on wood*

My ex (XH from here on out) got his new duty station, teaching his MOS to others at the MOS school on the East Coast. He worked very hard to be able to do this and I am very proud of him! He'll be taking the kids for the summer. I'm weirded out, determined to work EXTRA hard in order to distract myself from thinking about not being with my babies everyday. I am also very excited for my son, "StigKidC". He is floored at the thought of living so close to Washington DC. He can't wait to see the Lincoln Memorial and the White House. My girls are very attached to me, so I genuinely hope they don't give their dad too much trouble... at the same time that I do. XH had the attitude that I should be able to run our business, be a full time mommy AND keep the house up. Hey, some women can, I am not one of those women, and I am very much hoping for an admission from XH that caring for children and working full time is a hard task indeed. However, I will not be holding my breath for an apology, nor do I require one.

My new business manager assisting on a shoot!

Oh, I finally got a business manager, which should help ease my work load. He'll be helping book, set up shoots, collect payments and since he's a photographer as well, I'll most likely be hiring him as a second shooter. He has already helped me on a few shoots and I couldn't be happier with his work and professionalism. It's wedding season so I am very blessed to have found him before all my wedding shoots.

                       

                       Playing catch up on April and May

The day after I moved into my apartment, I was involved in a hit and run accident. A guy ran a red light , hit me and then sped off. It took three weeks to fix up my van, but she's back good as new. Poor Stella.

I dyed my hair red! *Gasp* I love this vivacious, flirty color!

The end of April rang in a very exciting milestone in my family. I am now the mother of a nine and two year old! My oldest, "StigKidC" and youngest, "StigKidA", share a birthday! 

My Washington Bestie and her hubby came to visit! It was great seeing some familiar faces!

Pop the Champagne!

My sweet husband and I try to dance together every day. One evening last year, I put on a song, one of my favorite, for us to enjoy.

I feel his gentle hands rest upon my waist, his adoring gaze mirrored by my own. The music begins. 

"I don't get many things right the first time" ... his smile widens and his head nods subtly in agreement.

"And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face, now I see it everyday, and I know That I am... The luckiest." He takes a deep breath, as if he is feeling the full capacity of his lung for the first time and quietly speaks, "This should be our first dance song. This is us." 

We continue to dance and he continues to listen to the rest of the song, chuckling at the similarities between the 'what if' scenario illustrated in the lyrics and our own conversations. He holds me closer than ever to his body and I can't help but to feel that's reflective of his emotions. He speaks the words "I love you" but before he lets me go he whispers, "I am the luckiest". 

J and I had initially planned a fancy wedding with about a hundred guests for this December, but the pressure and expense of a traditional wedding just didn't appeal to us. We called off the wedding with no intention of setting another date. One evening in late October I was up visiting my family in Washington State when I got a phone call from J. In our conversation he said he wanted to marry me when I came back home, no frills, no expense, just the two of us committing to spend the rest of our lives driving each other crazy. Well, Who could say no to that?

Two days before our ceremony I got an email from the company I ordered my dress from, saying the trucking company that was delivering my dress was involved in an accident and my dress was ruined. With only two days, there was no time to find another dress. I cried. My sweet love tried his best to console me and was finally able to remind me that he was marrying me, not a dress.

I had another dress that I had worn to our ball but I had lost a little weight and it needed to be taken in. I was able to find a seamstress to do the alterations rush but I wouldn't be able to pick it up until 10am on the day of our wedding. Knowing how lucky I was finding someone on such short notice, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. The day of our wedding, J and I went to pick it up and he insisted I try it on before we leave. I am reluctant because we are already cutting it close on time. He persisted and gave me "the look", The look of determination and a spine of steel. I sighed in defeat and stepped into the changing room. I stepped into my gown and tried to zip up the sides only to find, the zipper wouldn't budge! J had them fix it on the spot (which took another twenty minutes). I used the time to do my makeup and try not to cry over the remark that my seamstress made that I "must have eaten too much at Christmas". It's funny now, not too funny in the stress of the moment though.

We said our vows in an intimate ceremony the day after Christmas. I laughed when my husband recanted our first meeting, first date, and inside jokes and I cried when he vowed to pursue me until his dying day.

Photo Credit: Iconic Images

Although I was against it initially, we exchanged rings. My J wanted to have a token of our love to show. I rarely ever wear mine as I work hard with my hands, constantly sanding, painting, or scrubbing something, but the swell of pride I see on my sweet husband when he notices me wearing it is well worth the compromise of buying it.

Talking to our families before the ceremony.

We set up a video conference with our families so they could witness our ceremony.

J's Vows made me cry.

Jumping for Joy: We're married!

Our dear friends and witnesses

                  

We chose not to have our children at our initial ceremony, which we had quite a few remarks about. Although I don't need to explain the reasoning behind our decision, I want to. 

We believe that in a marriage, God comes first, spouse comes second and children come after. The Bible tells us that when we are married we become ONE with our spouse. Children are not to be the center of the home; God is. Children are a gift from God, they are on loan for parents to train up to be responsible, productive, and moral individuals.When children leave the home, many couples feel the sting of the empty nest and a spouse who they have neglected to invest in. 

J and I value our time with our children, and recognize that our marriage joins together two families as one, but inevitably, our marriage, the conception and maintenance of our union, is our responsibility, not theirs. 

J and I were able to spend the the entire week beforehand with all seven of our babies, and since we plan on renewing our vows annually, they will have more than plenty of opportunities to be involved in celebrating our marriage with us.

Our first meal as husband and wife? Sushi (of course)!

Looking forward to a lifetime of wedded bliss. 

For step parents who may be seeking advice, I found this article helpful when searching for my place in my partner and bonus kiddo's lives:

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/remarriage/staying-married/placing-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat-of-your-heart#.VQhp5o7F98E

The beautiful photos of our ceremony and dinner reception were taken by my dear friend and fellow photographer, Chrissie, of Bella Luce Photography. As a photographer, I place a high value on photos. The very first phone call after booking my venue and date was to book my photographer, and I am so glad I did. We get to savor these precious memories for the rest of our lives. 

Exes and Ohs

This is a conversation my ex and I had a while ago. I'm sharing it today as I believe it's a good example how two people can still be friendly and lift each other up, even after they're no longer together.  It starts with his text:

My reply?

***,

I got your message today. I wanted to tell you... as the father of my children and my friend, I love you too. You have to know that you have driven me insane over the last eleven years together, but I am certain you feel the same about me! Those little quirks... the fights... the love... the most amazing kids in the world, have all combined to shape us into the people we are today, and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing.

You are a good guy and I wish you nothing but success in all you seek to accomplish, happiness and the ability to separate yourself from work to appreciate the finer things in life, and MOST importantly, I wish you Love. True, Your next girl won't be as awesome as I am ;) but I know, when you find one you want to be serious with, she'll (he?) be worth it.

Man... Divorce is tough. There aren't many rules and I feel like the California Legal system was designed by a blue falcon (if you know what I mean). None the less, we're creating a good path. There have been some bumps in the road and I anticipate more bumps in the future, however, we're connected by the amazing bond we created through our children... for the rest of our lives (or until one of us dies.. you're older, just sayin')

To some things up *** Elgie, I'll use the words of a wise man. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." (Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

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All good things come with love.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV) 

Let's dive into this, shall we... Love is patient/it is not easily angered, I am not. I expect everything to be done in a timely manner and done right. However, Love is teaching me to be more patient.

Love is KIND/Love isn't rude. I know I have said things that have been unkind, even rude to others, even our mates. After having a heart to heart with J, I found out that I had unintentionally been rude to him by being overly honest in my opinion of his religion. Here all along I have been striving to be open minded and seeking equality for all beliefs and ways of life, and yet I was rude to the closest person to me. I know I've certainly said rude things to my ex, especially in his choice of sexual partners and parenting skills. Well, I now realize that his partners aren't my concern, in fact, only SOME of his choices regarding our children are of my concern. The hardest test will be coming next summer when he has the kids. I have to trust his parenting and not criticize his techniques or be so hard on him when he isn't a perfect parent. He hasn't been the primary parent in their lives so how can I expect him to know everything that took me until now to learn? I can't!

Love doesn't envy. Well now... My little green eyed monster used to raise it's head when my ex would get a night out and I'd be stuck with the kids all day.. Then my jealousy grew to him having a life and friends outside the house, his work was his escape. I wanted to work outside the home, but we could never afford daycare. I wanted a life and friends too. I had given up my life, my home, my family and friends when my ex joined the Marines four years into our marriage. That was his choice, and now I had to give up everything where I was alone... and HE got a break? I found it very difficult NOT to be jealous. Now, in my current relationship, I am only jealous that my partner's strengths are my weaknesses. He is "wicked smart" in areas I struggle to understand. He retains information, and sometimes... JUST sometimes, he takes better photos than I do. I am learning to let go of jealousy and be genuinely happy for my mate. Thankfully, I only have had jealousy issues with my mate, and very rarely towards anyone else. My parents raised me to be appreciative for what I have as well as the knowledge that What I have is a direct result of what I earned. I can't be upset that someone earned something that I want but haven't yet earned for myself. 

Love doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it is not self-seeking... Wow. Do you know what this means? It means when you're genuinely loving someone, you will not be thinking about yourself. You think about what's best for them. You do things for them to show them your love and you don't do it for recognition or praise.

I hope you choose to truly love the important people in your life. Tonight, I'm wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas! I am starting the New Year out with some exciting news and projects, so stick around if you want to follow me on a fabulous adventure!

One Love,

Heathery

"SOMEDAY" When Exactly is That Again?

I come off as a brave woman, but the truth is, given my history with men, I had been afraid of giving my heart completely to another person just to be emotionally destroyed. I'm tough, but having to start over last time sent me into a dark depression that I just don't want to have to experience again. The last few months, However, some things have changed. 

After over five years of pain and anger, I have been able to finally forgive my ex husband which left so much more room in my heart for the amazing things God has planned for me.

Justin and I started off the year by regularly attending church and diving back into seeking God. Justin said he has learned so much about how to be a man and how God wants him to treat me. I love being with a man who has a heart for God. 

I realized that out of bitterness, I had come to institutionalize rather than honor the sanctity of marriage. Because I had been so deeply hurt in my last marriage, I formed the perspective that marriage is just a piece of paper where two people get different tax exemptions for merging their lives. In my mind, when you love someone, when you live with someone, when you join households and raise children with someone, the government should just keep out of it. Well... Loving God the way I do, I know what his word says. Marriage isn't between two people, when you're a Christian, Marriage is a covenant between two people AND GOD. Marriage is about faith, not numbers. 

Being completely open with you, the last two weeks have laid a heavy burden on my heart. Yes, It's true I'm a nympho, but I'm a nympho with a conscience and deep roots in my faith. I am of the firm belief that it's God's plan for his people to get married before engaging in sexual activities. I'm not married and have been engaging HEAVILY in sexual activities. That's not a "whoops"... I didn't accidentally fall naked on top of his manhood, I have been directly violating God's word. Justin and I love each other as man and wife. People mistakenly refer to me as Justin's wife and he doesn't correct them; He says he views me as his wife and I respond by saying that's a title that I haven't earned. He rebuttals that I will be someday. 

After talking with two of my friends that are about to get engaged, one dating a few months longer than J and I , and another started dating long after J and I... I'm genuinely happy for both of them, not even jealous a little. I know Justin and I are working on our own timeline. We have so many goals we want to accomplish before entering marriage again, the thing of it is, I want more than a promise. Words have a face value, ACTION is my love language. Justin says he wants to marry me, someday, I don't want to rush to the alter, but it was time we sat down to figure out just WHEN someday placed in our timeline. 

Being the logical (read: nerdy) people we are, Justin and I literally drew out our ideal timelines and shared them with each other. They were so stinking similar, except for one thing... getting engaged. My ideal timeline includes getting engaged between now and right after I graduate (in about 19 months), have a longer engagement where we save up for our dream wedding and honeymoon, Justin retires and then we get married. Side note: Getting married after retirement stems from me telling him from the start I don't want to marry a Marine. Getting to know him, I realize he's not a typical Marine, so I wouldn't even mind marrying him before he retires. In Justin's ideal timeline, engagement comes about a year before the wedding and in that time we fit in relationship counseling and marriage preparation classes. He says he wants to do it right this time and set us up for success. Over the last few months, he had kept mentioning that he isn't quite ready for marriage (Which I happen to agree with). I know my reasons for not feeling quite ready (I want to focus on my education and job and continue to build my multimedia empire, getting married would decrease my federal funding, J and my kids are working on their emotional bonds, we need to work out our differences in parenting styles), but I wanted to hear his reasons. His two issues are:

• He doesn't feel like he can provide for me while in debt (I definitely agree that we should start off marriage debt free).
• He's afraid of "screwing things up with [me]" and wants to take marriage and relationship classes to help learn how to be the best husband possible. 

I don't feel we should wait until a year before marriage to engage in relationship/family counseling. That's been something I've been bringing up since October last year. So we'll be starting counseling at the end of spring sports (right before summer) and regularly attend until we get married (probably after as well). 

My heart belongs to Justin already, that shouldn't shock anyone. we've known for a while that we were headed toward to alter, it's just nice to have a timeline. If you're a close friend or family reading this, look for your Save-The-Date invites to our fall 2021 wedding on a mountain lodge TBD. Hope to see you there. :) 

Momma's Fresh Fish Snack

Okay, as promised, this is my original recipe for a yummy and (mostly) healthy fish appetizer or snack.

What you'll need:

• About 5 lbs of Salmon
• 1cup orange juice
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1box of Triscuts 
• about 3 cups mango salsa
• 8oz Philadelphia cream cheese 
• About half a block of thinly sliced Tillamock Pepper Jack cheese

I'm originally from (Waythefrickupthere) Northwest Washington, where fresh salmon is easy to find, but if you happen to live in a place where fresh salmon is difficult to find, I highly recommend just buying one from Costco. I usually find a $17-$20 fish will feed my family and have additional left over.

After you've cleaned your salmon and have laid it in a lightly oiled glass casserole dish, lightly salt the top side, sprinkle brown sugar and pour about a cup and a half of orange juice over it. Cover with tin foil and bake for about 45 minutes on 400 or until a light shade of pink, baste often to achieve maximum flavor and moisture.  Set to the side and let it cool.

Yea.. It IS as good as it looks (if you think it looks delicious).

 While the salmon is cooling, prep the rest of the snack by spreading the cream cheese on the cracker and placing them on a baking sheet, and slicing up your cheese. I recommend sipping on a frosty alcoholic beverage (unless you are underage, live in a dry county, are recovering or just prefer not to).

  

My "frosty beverage" of choice

Next, layer on the flaky, tender fish

Ladle on the mango salsa, top with cheese and stick back in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

Voilà!

Memorial Day

In honor of Phillip Elgie's friends... brothers. May we never forget your honor and sacrifice.

Marine LCpl. Donald J. Hogan - KIA 08/26/09 Posthumously awarded the Navy Cross
Marine LCpl. Justin J. Swanson - KIA 11/10/09
Marine LCpl. Ralph J. Fabbri - KIA 09/28/10

I remember it being a beautiful Southern California day when Phillip Called me from Afghanistan. I expected it to be a normal phone call, "How is everything, How are the kids, what's going on with the business..." Typical.. Only I heard strain and silence on the other end.

Finally, after a few minutes of my prying, Phillip quietly spoke, "Hogan Died... My friend... Hogan. He got blown up."

I felt my heart drop. I didn't know Hogan personally, but his name had come up in conversation a few times since Phillip had been over "there".

I felt sad for Phillip, for the loss of his friends life, and for a moment i imagined what it would feel like for his family when they had to get that news.. But a few hours later it was back to business as usual. Without a second thought to the sacrifice that was given.

Phillip came home from Afghanistan, and I expected things to be the same as they were when he left, pick up the arguments we had put on hold, take the kids to the beach, but during the days Phillip was quiet, lost in thought, and during the nights, there were terrors. It was then that I began to understand. War and death had come home with him.

It is humbling to see the man you love cry, and it is a different feeling altogether to open your heart to a man who you never met, who you will never have a chance to meet. That is why, every year on the anniversary of Hogan's death, and Memorial day, I remember, honor and silently thank ALL who laid down their lives for their countrymen, as well as pray for those they had to leave behind.