Since my divorce is so fresh, I can't help but wonder if these painful insecurities are a normal part of the healing process, or are they are wounds that I'm subconsciously holding on to.
I feel that I've always been replaceable to XH. I feel as if he never truly loved me, as if for our entire 11+ years together, we were just friendly strangers who raised children in the same house. Why was I the one he didn't want to take out? why was I the one he wasn't satisfied sleeping with? What could I have done that would have made him overjoyed to be married to me for the rest of our lives? Why do I get so upset that he doesn't publicly praise and recognize the cool shit I do for him just the way I used to praise and recognize him? Why the heck do I still think about all this anyway?!
I have to say, I'm doing pretty fricking great moving forward, I'm happier on my own, forging new bonds with others and rediscovering myself. But every once in a while, I feel a twinge of resentment that I couldn't feel this way with him. XH, seems so happy too, free to do the things he wants to most days while I'm still raising our kids fulltime.
I am continuously looking ahead, assessing the progress of my goals and dreams. I keep telling myself that soon I won't think of such things, but I know that's just my faith and determination talking and I can't say for certain if or when I'll feel completely over the "what if" notions I feel towards my failed marriage.
