New Year, New Blog!
You can follow along over at my new address: https://thestigmom.wordpress.com/.

Family Time Communication Questions

Every evening our family sits down together to eat. It get's a little crazy here, especially on the days we have all seven, but I know that no matter how hectic the day gets, I can always look forward to the uninterrupted family time that I so cherish. We go around the table asking specific questions about each other's day and talk about anything we feel we need to, highs and lows.

Gosh, I can't tell you how good it feels to have that open dialogue and the wonders it does for our closeness. I can't recommend it enough. If you're like me, you're always scouting refreshing ways to talk to your spouse and your kiddos. I stumbled upon a sweet little list today that may help you out.

*Long side note*
This list is specific to school aged children, but don't forget to ask your spouse about their day and let the children join in the conversation. Often, we forget to talk about what we do all day when we are not around our kids, but discussing our work with children can better expand their knowledge and understanding of the world and how things work. and to the parents who are able to stay at home or work from home, your job (really... JOBS) may seem mundane at times, maybe even seemingly unimportant, but it is a huge responsibility and discussing it with children and your spouse is not only cathartic, but just as informative to your spouse and children.

25 Ways to Ask Your Kids 'So How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'So How Was School Today?'

Pop the Champagne!

My sweet husband and I try to dance together every day. One evening last year, I put on a song, one of my favorite, for us to enjoy.

I feel his gentle hands rest upon my waist, his adoring gaze mirrored by my own. The music begins. 

"I don't get many things right the first time" ... his smile widens and his head nods subtly in agreement.

"And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face, now I see it everyday, and I know That I am... The luckiest." He takes a deep breath, as if he is feeling the full capacity of his lung for the first time and quietly speaks, "This should be our first dance song. This is us." 

We continue to dance and he continues to listen to the rest of the song, chuckling at the similarities between the 'what if' scenario illustrated in the lyrics and our own conversations. He holds me closer than ever to his body and I can't help but to feel that's reflective of his emotions. He speaks the words "I love you" but before he lets me go he whispers, "I am the luckiest". 

J and I had initially planned a fancy wedding with about a hundred guests for this December, but the pressure and expense of a traditional wedding just didn't appeal to us. We called off the wedding with no intention of setting another date. One evening in late October I was up visiting my family in Washington State when I got a phone call from J. In our conversation he said he wanted to marry me when I came back home, no frills, no expense, just the two of us committing to spend the rest of our lives driving each other crazy. Well, Who could say no to that?

Two days before our ceremony I got an email from the company I ordered my dress from, saying the trucking company that was delivering my dress was involved in an accident and my dress was ruined. With only two days, there was no time to find another dress. I cried. My sweet love tried his best to console me and was finally able to remind me that he was marrying me, not a dress.

I had another dress that I had worn to our ball but I had lost a little weight and it needed to be taken in. I was able to find a seamstress to do the alterations rush but I wouldn't be able to pick it up until 10am on the day of our wedding. Knowing how lucky I was finding someone on such short notice, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. The day of our wedding, J and I went to pick it up and he insisted I try it on before we leave. I am reluctant because we are already cutting it close on time. He persisted and gave me "the look", The look of determination and a spine of steel. I sighed in defeat and stepped into the changing room. I stepped into my gown and tried to zip up the sides only to find, the zipper wouldn't budge! J had them fix it on the spot (which took another twenty minutes). I used the time to do my makeup and try not to cry over the remark that my seamstress made that I "must have eaten too much at Christmas". It's funny now, not too funny in the stress of the moment though.

We said our vows in an intimate ceremony the day after Christmas. I laughed when my husband recanted our first meeting, first date, and inside jokes and I cried when he vowed to pursue me until his dying day.

Photo Credit: Iconic Images

Although I was against it initially, we exchanged rings. My J wanted to have a token of our love to show. I rarely ever wear mine as I work hard with my hands, constantly sanding, painting, or scrubbing something, but the swell of pride I see on my sweet husband when he notices me wearing it is well worth the compromise of buying it.

Talking to our families before the ceremony.

We set up a video conference with our families so they could witness our ceremony.

J's Vows made me cry.

Jumping for Joy: We're married!

Our dear friends and witnesses

                  

We chose not to have our children at our initial ceremony, which we had quite a few remarks about. Although I don't need to explain the reasoning behind our decision, I want to. 

We believe that in a marriage, God comes first, spouse comes second and children come after. The Bible tells us that when we are married we become ONE with our spouse. Children are not to be the center of the home; God is. Children are a gift from God, they are on loan for parents to train up to be responsible, productive, and moral individuals.When children leave the home, many couples feel the sting of the empty nest and a spouse who they have neglected to invest in. 

J and I value our time with our children, and recognize that our marriage joins together two families as one, but inevitably, our marriage, the conception and maintenance of our union, is our responsibility, not theirs. 

J and I were able to spend the the entire week beforehand with all seven of our babies, and since we plan on renewing our vows annually, they will have more than plenty of opportunities to be involved in celebrating our marriage with us.

Our first meal as husband and wife? Sushi (of course)!

Looking forward to a lifetime of wedded bliss. 

For step parents who may be seeking advice, I found this article helpful when searching for my place in my partner and bonus kiddo's lives:

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/remarriage/staying-married/placing-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat-of-your-heart#.VQhp5o7F98E

The beautiful photos of our ceremony and dinner reception were taken by my dear friend and fellow photographer, Chrissie, of Bella Luce Photography. As a photographer, I place a high value on photos. The very first phone call after booking my venue and date was to book my photographer, and I am so glad I did. We get to savor these precious memories for the rest of our lives. 

"SOMEDAY" When Exactly is That Again?

I come off as a brave woman, but the truth is, given my history with men, I had been afraid of giving my heart completely to another person just to be emotionally destroyed. I'm tough, but having to start over last time sent me into a dark depression that I just don't want to have to experience again. The last few months, However, some things have changed. 

After over five years of pain and anger, I have been able to finally forgive my ex husband which left so much more room in my heart for the amazing things God has planned for me.

Justin and I started off the year by regularly attending church and diving back into seeking God. Justin said he has learned so much about how to be a man and how God wants him to treat me. I love being with a man who has a heart for God. 

I realized that out of bitterness, I had come to institutionalize rather than honor the sanctity of marriage. Because I had been so deeply hurt in my last marriage, I formed the perspective that marriage is just a piece of paper where two people get different tax exemptions for merging their lives. In my mind, when you love someone, when you live with someone, when you join households and raise children with someone, the government should just keep out of it. Well... Loving God the way I do, I know what his word says. Marriage isn't between two people, when you're a Christian, Marriage is a covenant between two people AND GOD. Marriage is about faith, not numbers. 

Being completely open with you, the last two weeks have laid a heavy burden on my heart. Yes, It's true I'm a nympho, but I'm a nympho with a conscience and deep roots in my faith. I am of the firm belief that it's God's plan for his people to get married before engaging in sexual activities. I'm not married and have been engaging HEAVILY in sexual activities. That's not a "whoops"... I didn't accidentally fall naked on top of his manhood, I have been directly violating God's word. Justin and I love each other as man and wife. People mistakenly refer to me as Justin's wife and he doesn't correct them; He says he views me as his wife and I respond by saying that's a title that I haven't earned. He rebuttals that I will be someday. 

After talking with two of my friends that are about to get engaged, one dating a few months longer than J and I , and another started dating long after J and I... I'm genuinely happy for both of them, not even jealous a little. I know Justin and I are working on our own timeline. We have so many goals we want to accomplish before entering marriage again, the thing of it is, I want more than a promise. Words have a face value, ACTION is my love language. Justin says he wants to marry me, someday, I don't want to rush to the alter, but it was time we sat down to figure out just WHEN someday placed in our timeline. 

Being the logical (read: nerdy) people we are, Justin and I literally drew out our ideal timelines and shared them with each other. They were so stinking similar, except for one thing... getting engaged. My ideal timeline includes getting engaged between now and right after I graduate (in about 19 months), have a longer engagement where we save up for our dream wedding and honeymoon, Justin retires and then we get married. Side note: Getting married after retirement stems from me telling him from the start I don't want to marry a Marine. Getting to know him, I realize he's not a typical Marine, so I wouldn't even mind marrying him before he retires. In Justin's ideal timeline, engagement comes about a year before the wedding and in that time we fit in relationship counseling and marriage preparation classes. He says he wants to do it right this time and set us up for success. Over the last few months, he had kept mentioning that he isn't quite ready for marriage (Which I happen to agree with). I know my reasons for not feeling quite ready (I want to focus on my education and job and continue to build my multimedia empire, getting married would decrease my federal funding, J and my kids are working on their emotional bonds, we need to work out our differences in parenting styles), but I wanted to hear his reasons. His two issues are:

• He doesn't feel like he can provide for me while in debt (I definitely agree that we should start off marriage debt free).
• He's afraid of "screwing things up with [me]" and wants to take marriage and relationship classes to help learn how to be the best husband possible. 

I don't feel we should wait until a year before marriage to engage in relationship/family counseling. That's been something I've been bringing up since October last year. So we'll be starting counseling at the end of spring sports (right before summer) and regularly attend until we get married (probably after as well). 

My heart belongs to Justin already, that shouldn't shock anyone. we've known for a while that we were headed toward to alter, it's just nice to have a timeline. If you're a close friend or family reading this, look for your Save-The-Date invites to our fall 2021 wedding on a mountain lodge TBD. Hope to see you there. :) 

American Divorce Statistics

*Le sigh*

Since my divorce is so fresh, I can't help but wonder if these painful insecurities are a normal part of the healing process, or are they are wounds that I'm subconsciously holding on to.

I feel that I've always been replaceable to XH. I feel as if he never truly loved me, as if for our entire 11+ years together, we were just friendly strangers who raised children in the same house. Why was I the one he didn't want to take out? why was I the one he wasn't satisfied sleeping with? What could I have done that would have made him overjoyed to be married to me for the rest of our lives? Why do I get so upset that he doesn't publicly praise and recognize the cool shit I do for him just the way I used to praise and recognize him? Why the heck do I still think about all this anyway?!

I have to say, I'm doing pretty fricking great moving forward, I'm happier on my own, forging new bonds with others and rediscovering myself. But every once in a while, I feel a twinge of resentment that I couldn't feel this way with him. XH, seems so happy too, free to do the things he wants to most days while I'm still raising our kids fulltime.

I am continuously looking ahead, assessing the progress of my goals and dreams. I keep telling myself that soon I won't think of such things, but I know that's just my faith and determination talking and I can't say for certain if or when I'll feel completely over the "what if" notions I feel towards my failed marriage.