Pop the Champagne!

My sweet husband and I try to dance together every day. One evening last year, I put on a song, one of my favorite, for us to enjoy.

I feel his gentle hands rest upon my waist, his adoring gaze mirrored by my own. The music begins. 

"I don't get many things right the first time" ... his smile widens and his head nods subtly in agreement.

"And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face, now I see it everyday, and I know That I am... The luckiest." He takes a deep breath, as if he is feeling the full capacity of his lung for the first time and quietly speaks, "This should be our first dance song. This is us." 

We continue to dance and he continues to listen to the rest of the song, chuckling at the similarities between the 'what if' scenario illustrated in the lyrics and our own conversations. He holds me closer than ever to his body and I can't help but to feel that's reflective of his emotions. He speaks the words "I love you" but before he lets me go he whispers, "I am the luckiest". 

J and I had initially planned a fancy wedding with about a hundred guests for this December, but the pressure and expense of a traditional wedding just didn't appeal to us. We called off the wedding with no intention of setting another date. One evening in late October I was up visiting my family in Washington State when I got a phone call from J. In our conversation he said he wanted to marry me when I came back home, no frills, no expense, just the two of us committing to spend the rest of our lives driving each other crazy. Well, Who could say no to that?

Two days before our ceremony I got an email from the company I ordered my dress from, saying the trucking company that was delivering my dress was involved in an accident and my dress was ruined. With only two days, there was no time to find another dress. I cried. My sweet love tried his best to console me and was finally able to remind me that he was marrying me, not a dress.

I had another dress that I had worn to our ball but I had lost a little weight and it needed to be taken in. I was able to find a seamstress to do the alterations rush but I wouldn't be able to pick it up until 10am on the day of our wedding. Knowing how lucky I was finding someone on such short notice, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. The day of our wedding, J and I went to pick it up and he insisted I try it on before we leave. I am reluctant because we are already cutting it close on time. He persisted and gave me "the look", The look of determination and a spine of steel. I sighed in defeat and stepped into the changing room. I stepped into my gown and tried to zip up the sides only to find, the zipper wouldn't budge! J had them fix it on the spot (which took another twenty minutes). I used the time to do my makeup and try not to cry over the remark that my seamstress made that I "must have eaten too much at Christmas". It's funny now, not too funny in the stress of the moment though.

We said our vows in an intimate ceremony the day after Christmas. I laughed when my husband recanted our first meeting, first date, and inside jokes and I cried when he vowed to pursue me until his dying day.

Photo Credit: Iconic Images

Although I was against it initially, we exchanged rings. My J wanted to have a token of our love to show. I rarely ever wear mine as I work hard with my hands, constantly sanding, painting, or scrubbing something, but the swell of pride I see on my sweet husband when he notices me wearing it is well worth the compromise of buying it.

Talking to our families before the ceremony.

We set up a video conference with our families so they could witness our ceremony.

J's Vows made me cry.

Jumping for Joy: We're married!

Our dear friends and witnesses

                  

We chose not to have our children at our initial ceremony, which we had quite a few remarks about. Although I don't need to explain the reasoning behind our decision, I want to. 

We believe that in a marriage, God comes first, spouse comes second and children come after. The Bible tells us that when we are married we become ONE with our spouse. Children are not to be the center of the home; God is. Children are a gift from God, they are on loan for parents to train up to be responsible, productive, and moral individuals.When children leave the home, many couples feel the sting of the empty nest and a spouse who they have neglected to invest in. 

J and I value our time with our children, and recognize that our marriage joins together two families as one, but inevitably, our marriage, the conception and maintenance of our union, is our responsibility, not theirs. 

J and I were able to spend the the entire week beforehand with all seven of our babies, and since we plan on renewing our vows annually, they will have more than plenty of opportunities to be involved in celebrating our marriage with us.

Our first meal as husband and wife? Sushi (of course)!

Looking forward to a lifetime of wedded bliss. 

For step parents who may be seeking advice, I found this article helpful when searching for my place in my partner and bonus kiddo's lives:

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/remarriage/staying-married/placing-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat-of-your-heart#.VQhp5o7F98E

The beautiful photos of our ceremony and dinner reception were taken by my dear friend and fellow photographer, Chrissie, of Bella Luce Photography. As a photographer, I place a high value on photos. The very first phone call after booking my venue and date was to book my photographer, and I am so glad I did. We get to savor these precious memories for the rest of our lives. 

The Orchid and the Dandelion

The University of Essex published a study illustrating how certain variances in the serotonin transporter gene impact emotional response development. This study is known as the Orchid and the Dandelion. To sum it up in layman's terms there are two kinds of people, Dandelions and Orchids. "Dandelions" adapt to nearly any environment and flourish while "Orchids" are sensitive to their environments and are much more prone to anxiety disorders, depression, crime and substance abuse. 

I have endured many painful circumstances in my life, but when I am withering I still seek out stronger foundations because I have the faith of a brighter future ahead of me. I pride myself on my ability to see situational failure as the stepping stones to lifetime success. When dealing with pain I have a few steps that help me back on my feet.

Take the time to feel emotional: 
I have come a long way in a few short years. I chose to shut off my emotions to become logical, cold, and calculated. I felt the need to hide the pain until I no longer felt it. That saved me for a few years, but I was stuck and couldn't mature emotionally. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions hurts, and I still find myself veering off into the deep logic side for shelter, but it's important for me to redirect and keep on course with the healing process. 

Process the pain and assess the circumstances:

Three skills are necessary at this step, clear judgement, unbiased listening, and assertiveness. the majority of my pain has usually included another person, so I usually talk this out with that person directly. Most people talk this out with those closest to them, but I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle so if I can't find someone I want to talk to about this particular situation I'll either talk it out with myself or my deity, either way, it's very difficult to have a dishonest conversation.

It's important to realize that pain carriers utilize thinking errors to over analyze situations and to keep you focused on what you don't like, often becoming more aggressive (the anger part of the 7 stages of grief). It's okay to get angry, I try not to stay in this stage for too long because it eats up the happiness in my life.

I ask myself questions like:

What my part was in the situation? 

Could I have handled it better, how?

Was this preventable?

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

What do I want to happen from here? 

How does this affect my long term goals?

How do I get myself back on track?

Learn what I can about myself and life:

Post-traumatic growth (yes, it's a real thing. Google it.) is the understanding that distress has the potential to be a catalyst for positive change. I may not be able to prevent every unpleasant situation in my life but I am determined to grow from my pain. The fact is, bad things happen to all of us but sitting around thinking of the bad that happens robs us of the good available. I am not responsible for every situation, good or bad, I may find myself in, but I am always responsible for my emotions and actions. 

Emotional and spiritual development always follow pain if you allow it. 

Lace up my proverbial boots and keep moving forward, even when I don't feel like it.

The show must go on. Suicidal ideations happen to the best of us, lord knows I've had my fair share, but there is always something better out there. There is always a bigger plan that you don't always get to see. Life is worth living.

I am a mother, a business owner/entrepreneur, a daughter, sister, and a friend. I can't quit, even if I wanted to. I have goals that need to be accomplished and recipes I need to master. My children deserve a mommy in their lives and I am the only one who can fill those boots. Equally as important, I have a higher purpose that will take a lifetime to fulfill: To share what I know about love and grace. One thing to know about love is that it always perseveres. Since love perseveres, then Orchids and Dandelions must as well.

Godly men

How a man treats his mate is evidence of his moral character. The same goes for women. I have noted that partners who honor their mate are more likely to keep the physical and emotional passion throughout their lifelong relationship. *Food for thought*

Not in the clear yet.

Last week I got a phone call from my old doctor telling me that I need to come in for more tests. I had to tell him that I was no longer covered under the same insurance and couldn't be seen there anymore. He urged me to find a new doctor and assured me they'd send over my files so I could continue my tests and treatments on schedule. I thanked them and got on with my busy day. But something built up inside of me. ANXIETY. I am so tired of tests and little surgeries and the aches and pains that comes with it all. I am so afraid that this time, my doctors will say I need a hysterectomy or that cancer cells are spreading. This is such a frustrating cycle.

A few days after the call, my partner came home from being in the field and I ended up crying to him, feeling like a wimp. He held me, listened to me feel sorry for myself, listened to my fears, how I don't want to keep fighting when I'm only going in circles, how even though I have my tubes tied, I'm afraid of losing the ability to carry children ripped away from me (because however against it I am now, someday, I *may* want to try for one more with the man I love) and when I was through, he pried my face up with his hands and told me that no matter what I felt like doing, it's important that I continue to FIGHT... for as little or long as it will take because my children need a mother and he is counting on growing old with me.

I closed my eyes and more tears drained out, but this time they were of relief and even joy. I am such a lucky girl to have such an incredible man help dress me in proverbial armor and ready me for war. He was beside me the last three procedures and he's still beside me, prepared for whatever may come.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the moment. Sometimes I feel like giving up on the struggle and quitting. It makes all the difference in the world to have people in my life who love me and encourage me to keep in the fight.

Ladies: Please take the time to read the infographic below. Note the QR code at the bottom. Visit the page to find out if you qualify for free or reduced cost screenings. Prevention can save your life!

Wedding Photographer-To The Rescue

God works in mysterious ways

A friend of my Ex-husband referred a wedding client to me. After meeting with the couple and learning about their needs, I discovered that they only really wanted coverage of the ceremony because our mutual friend didn't mind covering the reception. In order to keep the price of my services within their budget, I offered to shoot at an hourly rate instead, really, that's almost unheard of and certainly not recommended to do for weddings as it takes away from your bottom line when calculating editing, gas, daycare and other such expenses. There was just something about this couple that spoke to me and I wanted to do this for them.

The rain held out for until after their outdoor ceremony and we got back to their reception venue to find that our mutual friend, who was going to shoot the reception, wasn't there. I was now off the clock, and they were not about to let a lack of reception photographer rain on their parade, BUT I didn't feel right about it. I told them I'd stay until after they cut their cake. I am so glad I did.

Those are some good lookin' blobs!

Something about letting strangers "borrow my camera (for a sec)" just makes me nervous. None the less, that's exactly what I let one of the amazingly fun guests at the wedding reception do last night. The gentleman who took these pictures isn't a photographer, and I ended up giving him (and the lady I'm talking to in these pictures) a quick rundown on how to use a camera. EXPENSIVE CAMERA TO LEARN ON GUYS!!! It was great fun.

Getting better

Hey, you've got the hang of it!

I enjoyed rubbing elbows last night. I genuinely enjoyed these people's company. One of my new acquaintances is a real sweetheart, even offered to bring Justin and I up to golf as his guests. After being seated at his table and getting to know him, and a few other business men and their wives, a few them mentioned they were in need Of photography for portraits, upcoming projects, and advertisements. One of my other new acquaintances runs a bachelor/bachelorette/private party service in San Diego and they were in the market for a promotional photographer. Don't mind if I do!

I'm thankful my ex's friend didn't choose sides and felt comfortable enough to refer me (he is a photographer who worked with other photographers, I wasn't his only choice). I am thankful that my clients were amazing souls. I am thankful that our mutual friend was unable to make it to the ceremony and that I chose to stay. Everything happens for a reason. I got some great images that my clients will treasure for the rest of their lives and I made some awesome new friends and contacts. You just can't put a price on that.

Dang, I'm a good teacher. ;-)

By My Side.

In an effort to spend time together during the week, my partner J and I will work side by side. Tonight I'm trying to finish a presentation for class and he is reworking our financial plan in an effort to pay off our debt four months earlier then planned.

Now some of you may think I'm absolutely bonkers for taking on debt, or rather, treating J's debt as mine.

"He got himself into this debt, he is a big boy, he can get himself out."

"You need to be focusing on yourself and your kids."

"He could just up and leave you and you'd have nothing to show for your investment."

If you know anything about me, it should be that money means very little to me. I happily live on the basics and find cheap, crafty ways to beautify my world. That said, lately I've had a steady income which I have been using to invest in my children and in J. I love J, we plan on getting married someday. Frankly, I don't want to marry a guy who is in debt or is financially inept. Been there, done that! I am just not prepared to settle on that one again.

I grew up in a home that budgeted every penny. I grew up earning everything I wanted. I tell my money where it needs to go, that is my normal. I am recently finding out that a lot of people didn't grow up budgeting and instead of being taught about saving for things, many people have been taught to buy it on credit. America, the land of instant gratification and insane national debt.

The way my partner tells it is that he was talked into a lot of his debt, or as he likes to call it his "stupid tax." The cause of the debt is neither here nor there as long as he owns up to having made poor choices and is intent on never making the same mistakes again. He definitely has learned and I see his intensity everyday, which makes helping improve his situation my pleasure. Then again, I'm the kind of person who believes in improving the world one person at a time.

I had to first focus on improving myself. If the only thing constant is change, consider me extremely consistent. I am continuing to improve my children's future by investing in their college savings, which leaves me able to improve the next closest person to me, a man who equally looks out for my well being. J has stepped up for me and has been my hero quite a few times. When we talk about when we're debt free and what we plan to spend our money on, it normally involves helping others, giving to homeless, and investing in properties for people trying to get back on track. If we don't end up getting married, even if we break up, I will never regret improving this man's quality of life because I know the good that will come from it. I am happy to report that our relationship has never been stronger, things are going according to plan. J is definitely worth the investment and I couldn't imagine anyone else by my side. 

Stop Talking About The Bible? (X-Post)

News Link here,
You know what really grinds my gears?

In this age of tolerance and diversity, public school educators seem to be under the impression that they can bully and intimidate Christian boys and girls. I'm a dedicated advocate for celebrating diversity and expressing what individuals view to be important. Celebrating diversity is allegedly promoted in schools, and yet there is no tolerance for members of the Christian faith to express their views in school. 

I could have sworn this country was built on the pursuit of religious freedom. I am Christian, I am open to the discussion of other beliefs (yes, even in schools). This is not the first time I've heard of our educational system denying Christian religious freedoms. If the school had this same situation play out with a child of any other faith, there would be an uprising of scrutiny on the media.

I respect all Muslim people, Christian people, and Buddhist people. I respect J.W's, LDS, Atheist, Agnostic, and Wiccan people and I even respect satan worshipping people. You know what I don't respect? People who try to deny constitutional rights. And guess what? Any policy that suppresses free speech violates our constitutional rights.

~TheStigMom (one Butthurt-Christian-American)

Exes and Ohs

This is a conversation my ex and I had a while ago. I'm sharing it today as I believe it's a good example how two people can still be friendly and lift each other up, even after they're no longer together.  It starts with his text:

My reply?

***,

I got your message today. I wanted to tell you... as the father of my children and my friend, I love you too. You have to know that you have driven me insane over the last eleven years together, but I am certain you feel the same about me! Those little quirks... the fights... the love... the most amazing kids in the world, have all combined to shape us into the people we are today, and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing.

You are a good guy and I wish you nothing but success in all you seek to accomplish, happiness and the ability to separate yourself from work to appreciate the finer things in life, and MOST importantly, I wish you Love. True, Your next girl won't be as awesome as I am ;) but I know, when you find one you want to be serious with, she'll (he?) be worth it.

Man... Divorce is tough. There aren't many rules and I feel like the California Legal system was designed by a blue falcon (if you know what I mean). None the less, we're creating a good path. There have been some bumps in the road and I anticipate more bumps in the future, however, we're connected by the amazing bond we created through our children... for the rest of our lives (or until one of us dies.. you're older, just sayin')

To some things up *** Elgie, I'll use the words of a wise man. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." (Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

………………………………………………………………………………

All good things come with love.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV) 

Let's dive into this, shall we... Love is patient/it is not easily angered, I am not. I expect everything to be done in a timely manner and done right. However, Love is teaching me to be more patient.

Love is KIND/Love isn't rude. I know I have said things that have been unkind, even rude to others, even our mates. After having a heart to heart with J, I found out that I had unintentionally been rude to him by being overly honest in my opinion of his religion. Here all along I have been striving to be open minded and seeking equality for all beliefs and ways of life, and yet I was rude to the closest person to me. I know I've certainly said rude things to my ex, especially in his choice of sexual partners and parenting skills. Well, I now realize that his partners aren't my concern, in fact, only SOME of his choices regarding our children are of my concern. The hardest test will be coming next summer when he has the kids. I have to trust his parenting and not criticize his techniques or be so hard on him when he isn't a perfect parent. He hasn't been the primary parent in their lives so how can I expect him to know everything that took me until now to learn? I can't!

Love doesn't envy. Well now... My little green eyed monster used to raise it's head when my ex would get a night out and I'd be stuck with the kids all day.. Then my jealousy grew to him having a life and friends outside the house, his work was his escape. I wanted to work outside the home, but we could never afford daycare. I wanted a life and friends too. I had given up my life, my home, my family and friends when my ex joined the Marines four years into our marriage. That was his choice, and now I had to give up everything where I was alone... and HE got a break? I found it very difficult NOT to be jealous. Now, in my current relationship, I am only jealous that my partner's strengths are my weaknesses. He is "wicked smart" in areas I struggle to understand. He retains information, and sometimes... JUST sometimes, he takes better photos than I do. I am learning to let go of jealousy and be genuinely happy for my mate. Thankfully, I only have had jealousy issues with my mate, and very rarely towards anyone else. My parents raised me to be appreciative for what I have as well as the knowledge that What I have is a direct result of what I earned. I can't be upset that someone earned something that I want but haven't yet earned for myself. 

Love doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it is not self-seeking... Wow. Do you know what this means? It means when you're genuinely loving someone, you will not be thinking about yourself. You think about what's best for them. You do things for them to show them your love and you don't do it for recognition or praise.

I hope you choose to truly love the important people in your life. Tonight, I'm wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas! I am starting the New Year out with some exciting news and projects, so stick around if you want to follow me on a fabulous adventure!

One Love,

Heathery

Beautiful But Sad Things.

I usually only read books that are scientifically/mathematically based with the exception of poetry. The last two years, however, my heart has been in search of new foundations and I've been inclined to step out of my comfort zone to try new things.

I picked up this book and read in one day. Of all the words, of all the passages, I found a piece of myself in this sentence; "I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful but sad things." (Sylvain Reynard, Gabriel's Inferno)

How true to me. I try to help homeless when I can, my career path is to help children in bad situations and all my life I've always tried to heal the broken and help the lost find purpose. Doing those things for others is actually quite selfish of me. You see, those little acts that help bring light to others, helps keep my own demons at bay.

Everyday I wage an all out war on loneliness. Most days I win the battle, still I wonder, not IF, but WHEN my war will end.

My God is faithful. My God doesn't just love, he IS love. I know I am never alone.