Exes and Ohs

This is a conversation my ex and I had a while ago. I'm sharing it today as I believe it's a good example how two people can still be friendly and lift each other up, even after they're no longer together.  It starts with his text:

My reply?

***,

I got your message today. I wanted to tell you... as the father of my children and my friend, I love you too. You have to know that you have driven me insane over the last eleven years together, but I am certain you feel the same about me! Those little quirks... the fights... the love... the most amazing kids in the world, have all combined to shape us into the people we are today, and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing.

You are a good guy and I wish you nothing but success in all you seek to accomplish, happiness and the ability to separate yourself from work to appreciate the finer things in life, and MOST importantly, I wish you Love. True, Your next girl won't be as awesome as I am ;) but I know, when you find one you want to be serious with, she'll (he?) be worth it.

Man... Divorce is tough. There aren't many rules and I feel like the California Legal system was designed by a blue falcon (if you know what I mean). None the less, we're creating a good path. There have been some bumps in the road and I anticipate more bumps in the future, however, we're connected by the amazing bond we created through our children... for the rest of our lives (or until one of us dies.. you're older, just sayin')

To some things up *** Elgie, I'll use the words of a wise man. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." (Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

………………………………………………………………………………

All good things come with love.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV) 

Let's dive into this, shall we... Love is patient/it is not easily angered, I am not. I expect everything to be done in a timely manner and done right. However, Love is teaching me to be more patient.

Love is KIND/Love isn't rude. I know I have said things that have been unkind, even rude to others, even our mates. After having a heart to heart with J, I found out that I had unintentionally been rude to him by being overly honest in my opinion of his religion. Here all along I have been striving to be open minded and seeking equality for all beliefs and ways of life, and yet I was rude to the closest person to me. I know I've certainly said rude things to my ex, especially in his choice of sexual partners and parenting skills. Well, I now realize that his partners aren't my concern, in fact, only SOME of his choices regarding our children are of my concern. The hardest test will be coming next summer when he has the kids. I have to trust his parenting and not criticize his techniques or be so hard on him when he isn't a perfect parent. He hasn't been the primary parent in their lives so how can I expect him to know everything that took me until now to learn? I can't!

Love doesn't envy. Well now... My little green eyed monster used to raise it's head when my ex would get a night out and I'd be stuck with the kids all day.. Then my jealousy grew to him having a life and friends outside the house, his work was his escape. I wanted to work outside the home, but we could never afford daycare. I wanted a life and friends too. I had given up my life, my home, my family and friends when my ex joined the Marines four years into our marriage. That was his choice, and now I had to give up everything where I was alone... and HE got a break? I found it very difficult NOT to be jealous. Now, in my current relationship, I am only jealous that my partner's strengths are my weaknesses. He is "wicked smart" in areas I struggle to understand. He retains information, and sometimes... JUST sometimes, he takes better photos than I do. I am learning to let go of jealousy and be genuinely happy for my mate. Thankfully, I only have had jealousy issues with my mate, and very rarely towards anyone else. My parents raised me to be appreciative for what I have as well as the knowledge that What I have is a direct result of what I earned. I can't be upset that someone earned something that I want but haven't yet earned for myself. 

Love doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it is not self-seeking... Wow. Do you know what this means? It means when you're genuinely loving someone, you will not be thinking about yourself. You think about what's best for them. You do things for them to show them your love and you don't do it for recognition or praise.

I hope you choose to truly love the important people in your life. Tonight, I'm wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas! I am starting the New Year out with some exciting news and projects, so stick around if you want to follow me on a fabulous adventure!

One Love,

Heathery

Last night, my sweet, loving partner J turned into a zombie

Granted, he didn't resemble the lifeless mass of human flesh, void of emotion that one sees in their nightmares (No, I’m not talking about my ex husband), but it was dang close.

A little background: I wasn't raised watching horror movies, in fact, I was completely sheltered child. I am, however, naturally brave, surviving the pranks one endures being raised as the youngest child in a household that at any given time sheltered up to 16 children. The ONE paranormal thing that utterly horrifies me is ZOMBIES. Now, I was married to one of the biggest Walking Dead fans, and begrudgingly, started watching it myself. I grew to love that damn show and soon built up a tolerance to the graphic zombie content under specific conditions. The lights had to be on and I had to watch it during the day so I had time to purge my mind of the horror. Simple rules.

Before my partner and I started dating, we’d hang out as friends. THE VERY FIRST TIME we hung out, was late at night, downtown area of a little surf town in SoCal. The night was coming to a close and in the middle of our conversation about bands we liked; I caught the glimpse of a silhouetted, “dread-head’ figure, about 15 feet from us, limping closer and closer. The blood drained from my face and I froze in a panic. I was able to gather my wits and explained to my very confused friend, that I was deathly afraid of zombies. Fast Forward, we start dating and I have among my top rules are; don’t cheat on me, don’t act like a zombie, and no zombie movies before bed. Fast forward again; I’ll give you one guess as to what J thought would be a great idea to do last night.

I walked into our room to see my sweet partner looking through our movie selection. I wasn't really in the mood to watch a movie; I wanted… a completely different activity. But I figured I wouldn't say anything since I had already gotten what I wanted just an hour prior. So I settled under my comforter, ready for J to hop into bed and snuggle up. It wasn't so bad realizing that the movie he selected was World War Z, I wasn't scared when we had watched it before, but then J thought it would be super funny to start mimicking the biting zombie actions. *Real Funny J*

I don’t know what possessed him to get up, but his movements and my heightened state of panic set in resulting in him receiving several swift kicks to his stomach. He quickly excused himself to the bathroom... Leaving me alone… in bed, with a scary ****ing zombie on the screen and I couldn't get up to turn it off because I just KNEW that now there was probably a zombie in my room and, logically, I was safer in bed.

WTF did you Eat J!

I don’t know if you've ever been in a heightened alert state, but when I am, I become aware of every noise, and slight movements that surround me. Due to that fact, I was all too aware of the horrors happening to J in the next room. Oh, the sound of his agonizing moans. Ooooh… the sound of his vital organs dropping out of his body, like machine gun rounds dropping in a war zone. There was nothing I could do, after all, I had to stay alive for my helpless children peacefully sleeping down the hall.

The entire Zombie transformation took a total of about 15 minutes. Then my zombified partner reentered our bedroom, walking a little funny and trailing the smell of death behind him. Being a thoughtful (still living) girlfriend, I thought I'd test to see if a part of my sweet boyfriend was still alive. I pointed out his obvious oversight (oversmell?). He responded by attempting to place the blame on my sweet little girls by saying that aerosol room deodorant was gone and nothing could be done. That was all the proof I needed. My J would have turned on the fan and closed the door to trap the foul, death stench.  That's when I realized that I dealing with a clever new breed of zombie that kills its prey, not by biting, but by suffocation. 

The good news is that the zombie effects have since worn off and from what I can tell, J is back to his wonderful self. Even Better news, I finally know what to get him for Christmas this year! 

Cheers!

Rehab the Nympho!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
~Erica Jong

Man, Last week was challenging for me SoCal is in the middle of a heatwave and I DO NOT handle heat well, plus, I am under a tremendous amount of financial strain, which, like most, affects me adversely. Poor J, He had to deal with not only the heat, but ME as well.

Different relationships have different expectations which bring out different behaviors. J makes me feel safe enough to be completely open and safe to admit my failures. This environment is conducive to my personal growth. I am becoming increasingly self aware which is making it easier to progress through difficult situations. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that my partner wants the best for me, that support is priceless.

J gently admitted that my sexual appetite is a little much for him right now, and just like supply and demand, when you have too much of something, the value decreases. Honestly, hearing that felt like a sucker punch. All I heard was, "Heather, I don't like sex with you as much as I used to, you crazy nympho." which of course, is not what he was saying at all. I have to remember that I am in my sexual prime, so I am going to want sex way more than the average guy. In addition, I went from barely getting any sex to getting it on the daily, and, like a fat kid tasting cake for the first time, I because gluttonous for a good thing.

J wants to use some of the time that we'd normally spend shagging, to talk more... you know, that little thing called communication that I recently [read: within the last twelve months] discovered I'm not that great at. Soooo... I guess we're going to be doing that.

All sarcasm aside, I would happily give up half of the sex J and I have to invest in a deeper understanding of one another. I love how this man challenges my mindset, coaches me on how to be a more assertive woman and not settle for an obedient, mundane life. I enjoy the results of the progress I've already made. As confusing as change can be sometimes, I am excited to continue to uncover the woman that's been stifled inside all these years, and bloom with a man who understands how to inspire the best from me.

"Christians"

I'm having a rough day. I have a gentle heart and I can't seem to let people's ignorant, hurtful comments and jabs just roll off my back. If we haven't even had a conversation, or met in person, what makes someone think they know enough about me to justify their less-than-kind behavior toward me?

Also, unless I'm doing something that negatively and directly affects someone else, why should they have ANY interest in the goings on of my life?! It's mind-boggling to me the number of people who say they "Know about my situation", they "Already know" this or that... Unless You hear it DIRECTLY from me, assume you know NOTHING.

You know what's even worse? Most of the negativity I have in my life is brought there by people who call themselves Christians. I am a Christ follower. Aren't we supposed to be sharing God's Love and be a candle to the world? I am not seeing people act like that too often! I see a bunch of gossipy, judgmental, rude, and spiteful people walking around trying to even some invisible scoreboard and I am getting frustrated!

*DEEP BREATH*

Okay... Tell ya what. To the few people who have tried to bring be down, I'm no longer giving you space in my head. You don't deserve my time. To the two women who have insulted my looks... You both are as pretty on the outside as you are on the inside, so maybe you should take a good hard look in the mirror before calling me a "5".  It looks as though I may have to continue to have you in my life, so I pray you can stop wasting your time throwing digs in my direction and learn to focus and be happy with yourself... because you're obviously not and I feel sad for you.

To the rude and gossipy people who have entered my life, WATCH OUT, because I'm going to go out of my way to do something nice for you. Maybe it's been a while since someone has been kind to you. Maybe you need an example or a reminder of how we should treat each other. I'm going to be that example for ya.

Since this is MY blog and I can do with it as I please, I'm going to take away the ammo for future hateful rebuttals.

I am a Christian, and like EVERYONE, I am a sinner (see NIV Romans 3:23).
My Misgivings are as follows:

• I have been cheated on and cheated back. 
• I have unmartial sex (at least once a day). 
• I have had more than one sex partner.
• I entered a relationship with a man during the required 6 month separation period of my divorce.
• I have lied approximately 50 times in my life (including calling in sick to work, and white lies about why I was late). 
• I have said "God-Dammit" and "Jesus" when I haven't been praying. as well as a few other broken commandments 
• I have hated someone.
• I have wished death on someone... heck, a few people.
• I have trouble forgiving certain things and certain people.
• I have an affinity for inappropriate, nighttime behavior in church parking lots (If they are churches of another religion I won' burn in hell will I?)

I am constantly changing and becoming a better, cleaner soul. I prefer to learn from my mistakes, but not dwell on them. If I think I can help someone by sharing my past with them, I will. If someone wants to know me better and asks about my past, I will answer honestly. Other than that, I try to leave my past with my God, live for today and build for my future.

Memorial Day

In honor of Phillip Elgie's friends... brothers. May we never forget your honor and sacrifice.

Marine LCpl. Donald J. Hogan - KIA 08/26/09 Posthumously awarded the Navy Cross
Marine LCpl. Justin J. Swanson - KIA 11/10/09
Marine LCpl. Ralph J. Fabbri - KIA 09/28/10

I remember it being a beautiful Southern California day when Phillip Called me from Afghanistan. I expected it to be a normal phone call, "How is everything, How are the kids, what's going on with the business..." Typical.. Only I heard strain and silence on the other end.

Finally, after a few minutes of my prying, Phillip quietly spoke, "Hogan Died... My friend... Hogan. He got blown up."

I felt my heart drop. I didn't know Hogan personally, but his name had come up in conversation a few times since Phillip had been over "there".

I felt sad for Phillip, for the loss of his friends life, and for a moment i imagined what it would feel like for his family when they had to get that news.. But a few hours later it was back to business as usual. Without a second thought to the sacrifice that was given.

Phillip came home from Afghanistan, and I expected things to be the same as they were when he left, pick up the arguments we had put on hold, take the kids to the beach, but during the days Phillip was quiet, lost in thought, and during the nights, there were terrors. It was then that I began to understand. War and death had come home with him.

It is humbling to see the man you love cry, and it is a different feeling altogether to open your heart to a man who you never met, who you will never have a chance to meet. That is why, every year on the anniversary of Hogan's death, and Memorial day, I remember, honor and silently thank ALL who laid down their lives for their countrymen, as well as pray for those they had to leave behind.

La-La-La-La Life Goes On!

Goodness Gracious! It's been WAY too long since I've have time to post. Really, I don't have the time now, but I figured I'd start writing and see how far I get.

I MOVED!!! I sorted and packed up a two story, four bedroom, two and a half bath home and moved into a tiny 2 bedroom upstairs apartment. *Whew* It's crowded, but I hear that love grows best in little houses (If you don't know the song I'm referencing, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xCdyMq6z1c).

I happened to meet and become friends with some prominent members in our new town who just LOVE introducing me to everyone and are helping me adjust and settle into the area. My multimedia business took a hit as I chose to focus on family life and moving, so I picked up a part time job, working nights at a cantina to
help supplement the income until I can reestablish my business. I'm learning the ropes pretty quick 

Posing with some of my friends at my new job!

considering I had only ever been a hostess before, when I was 15, and now I'm working the kitchen and Bar! Everyone's pretty friendly and I love the shocked look on people's faces when I tell them I'm nearly 30. I honestly had no idea I looked young. I get 21 and 22 year olds guys asking me out and drinking all night just to flirt. It's great for my ego, especially after years of feeling old and worn down. I have a fresh smile on my face and I highly doubt it's going anywhere anytime soon. *Knock on wood*

My ex (XH from here on out) got his new duty station, teaching his MOS to others at the MOS school on the East Coast. He worked very hard to be able to do this and I am very proud of him! He'll be taking the kids for the summer. I'm weirded out, determined to work EXTRA hard in order to distract myself from thinking about not being with my babies everyday. I am also very excited for my son, "StigKidC". He is floored at the thought of living so close to Washington DC. He can't wait to see the Lincoln Memorial and the White House. My girls are very attached to me, so I genuinely hope they don't give their dad too much trouble... at the same time that I do. XH had the attitude that I should be able to run our business, be a full time mommy AND keep the house up. Hey, some women can, I am not one of those women, and I am very much hoping for an admission from XH that caring for children and working full time is a hard task indeed. However, I will not be holding my breath for an apology, nor do I require one.

My new business manager assisting on a shoot!

Oh, I finally got a business manager, which should help ease my work load. He'll be helping book, set up shoots, collect payments and since he's a photographer as well, I'll most likely be hiring him as a second shooter. He has already helped me on a few shoots and I couldn't be happier with his work and professionalism. It's wedding season so I am very blessed to have found him before all my wedding shoots.

                       

                       Playing catch up on April and May

The day after I moved into my apartment, I was involved in a hit and run accident. A guy ran a red light , hit me and then sped off. It took three weeks to fix up my van, but she's back good as new. Poor Stella.

I dyed my hair red! *Gasp* I love this vivacious, flirty color!

The end of April rang in a very exciting milestone in my family. I am now the mother of a nine and two year old! My oldest, "StigKidC" and youngest, "StigKidA", share a birthday! 

My Washington Bestie and her hubby came to visit! It was great seeing some familiar faces!

My Friends… I love you.

I posted this on my Facebook today, but since I can't seem to link my Facebook and Twitter on this ******* site, I'll just transfer it here.

 My life is tough right now, I'm definitely dealing with a lot of stressors, but when I count my blessings I see that I'm quite a lucky girl. 

I have some amazing people in my life who build me up when I break down, who distract me when I need distraction, never judge me and who help pick me up and motivate me to go do what needs to be done. 

You are worth your weight in diamonds to me. I grew up with the ability to walk away from anyone I ever knew. I have two emotional settings, happy and numb... Over this last little bit of time, you guys have been able to make me feel more. For the first time in my life, I don't feel completely alone. I feel like I have a home. I feel like I belong, and for that, Thank you.

When I tell my life story, most think it sounds rough, but my life is actually a fairytale, granted, not a traditional one, but I have no doubts that my story will have a happy ending. My God has always provided for me, and when my faith is shaken, I have a few amazing friends hat constantly remind me of my blessings. I have much love for you.♥

Alrighty... Here I go again.

It's been a long time since I posted on a personal blog, before my last child was born (or made for that matter).  So much has changed in the time between, except my crappy memory, which is one of the reasons I'm choosing to post random play by plays of my life events.

I used to enjoy writing. I took all the writing and English classes I could fill my schedule with. That passion for words, grammar structure, creative stanzas and spilling my heart out  over my verbal canvas continued even after my first child was born... My son... My new muse. But alas, life started to complicate and darken and soon the last thing I started to think about was taking the time to write out my thoughts.

My life, like most everyone's, has been one heck of a ride, a lot of me trying to make a rainbow out of unicorn shit and being a doormat for... Well... Everyone.

As the song goes, "Times, they are a' changing", or, "Time marches on" if you're a country fan. It kinda sucks to admit, but I'm currently becoming a statistic, I'm going through a divorce, becoming a single mother of three children. My marriage counselor was kind enough to point out how unmarketable that is, I mean it takes a special kind of guy who will take on a woman who already has kids and I'm not even going to bring up the reality of meeting a man who dates single moms to have access to her kids (sick a-holes).

So where does one find one of these guys? I don't know, all I know is I'm not looking. I've been keeping myself busy by trying to better myself, trying to become the woman I'm destined to be, spending every other weekend going some sort of adventure, looking for work and a new place to live.

Sooo.... Lots to talk about for the next few years I'm sure. If you relate to any of this, or are just curious, feel free to follow along and give input now and again.

~StigMom~
(Heathery)

If you're interested in reading up on the few posts I made years back, the links are http://heatheryelgieinblahblahblogs.wordpress.com/

http://iconicimagesonline.wordpress.com/author/heatheryelgie/