Beautiful But Sad Things.

I usually only read books that are scientifically/mathematically based with the exception of poetry. The last two years, however, my heart has been in search of new foundations and I've been inclined to step out of my comfort zone to try new things.

I picked up this book and read in one day. Of all the words, of all the passages, I found a piece of myself in this sentence; "I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful but sad things." (Sylvain Reynard, Gabriel's Inferno)

How true to me. I try to help homeless when I can, my career path is to help children in bad situations and all my life I've always tried to heal the broken and help the lost find purpose. Doing those things for others is actually quite selfish of me. You see, those little acts that help bring light to others, helps keep my own demons at bay.

Everyday I wage an all out war on loneliness. Most days I win the battle, still I wonder, not IF, but WHEN my war will end.

My God is faithful. My God doesn't just love, he IS love. I know I am never alone.

Let's talk God.

John Fugelsang delightfully articulates our shared view on God. What an entertaining, friendly conversation between two individuals with differing opinions. 

I enjoy conversing, exchanging personal beliefs and ideas in open forums, so please, if you're easily offended by what I post on my page, realize that YOU alone are responsible for your reactions. Please realize that will never push my personal views on anyone. My only intent is to share my views and experiences. Please feel free to turn this into a friendly conversation, whether you agree or disagree.

I believe in and seek God, NOT specific religions. I do believe in the holy trinity and I do find comfort in certain books of the bible, the same as I do reading the Torah, Quran, Avesta, The Vedas, and Pali Canon collection.

The bible, over time, has been mistranslated and changes dictated by those in power. Reading the bible in it's original text is quite an eye opener, and while I recommend it, I also recommend reading with the consideration that it was written by MEN, it has biases and illustrates views and laws of the times the books were written.

I believe in Jesus, but most people have the Sunday school version of a dude who died for sins and we celebrate birth and death, and that is just the surface of the guy I have come to know. In my youth, I read everything I could about the son of God. Whether you believe Jesus is the son of God or just a fictional character who is supposed to set a good example, the fact remains, the "character" of Jesus is that of a man did more than simply tolerate the outcast of his society. He shared meals, he washed their feet, he served them, he healed them, he never judged them, You know what he DID? LOVED them.

Do you want to know what made Jesus mad?

Those who hurt children. “If you harm one of these little ones, better for you that a millstone be draped around your neck and you be dropped into the depths of the sea” (Luke 17:2).

Self-righteous judgmentalism. As He drove out the money-changers from the spaces normally dedicated to prayer for Gentiles as well as Jews, overturning their tables, He cried out the words of Isaiah: “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations.” Oh... I'm sorry... Did you get that... ALL NATIONS.

Essentially, the example Jesus sets for us to follow is, be a light to the world, love your brother, take care of children, and don't be an asshole. Religious sects of all kinds could learn a thing or two.

*steps off pulpit* Happy Tuesday Y'all!

Man, I wish I could say, "The dog ate it."

A couple weeks ago I made a post, then, in true, "oh shit... Did I just put that on the internet" form, I deleted it. I wanted to repost sooner, but my schedule hasn't permitted the time. While my post may have been completely true, I find ranting a wee bit distasteful. I probably should have just edited it. I live, I learn, I'm sorry for committing an apparent blogger sin, it won't happen again.

Anyway, to summarize in a more professional manner, J and I have had some relationship hiccups lately in the romance department. I am hoping he steps up his game, but in the mean time, I have decided to step back and view things from an alternative perspective. I have since seen the little... Yes, less romantic, but none-the-less sweet ways J displays his love.

No relationship is perfect, I am not one to expect perfection either. We are human. We err. Sometimes in our quest for what we think we want, we find what we need. I am grateful for J. For the time being, he is what I need. Can I see this lasting long term? You betcha. As long as he continues accepting my numerous flaws, I'll keep accepting his.

Anyway, "Anonymous", I read your feedback. I appreciate your honesty. I hope one day you choose to be less sarcastic and rude in your approach, but even if you don't... Meh... It is what it is (As stated frequently by a friend of mine, sounds like you may know him).

Rehab the Nympho!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
~Erica Jong

Man, Last week was challenging for me SoCal is in the middle of a heatwave and I DO NOT handle heat well, plus, I am under a tremendous amount of financial strain, which, like most, affects me adversely. Poor J, He had to deal with not only the heat, but ME as well.

Different relationships have different expectations which bring out different behaviors. J makes me feel safe enough to be completely open and safe to admit my failures. This environment is conducive to my personal growth. I am becoming increasingly self aware which is making it easier to progress through difficult situations. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that my partner wants the best for me, that support is priceless.

J gently admitted that my sexual appetite is a little much for him right now, and just like supply and demand, when you have too much of something, the value decreases. Honestly, hearing that felt like a sucker punch. All I heard was, "Heather, I don't like sex with you as much as I used to, you crazy nympho." which of course, is not what he was saying at all. I have to remember that I am in my sexual prime, so I am going to want sex way more than the average guy. In addition, I went from barely getting any sex to getting it on the daily, and, like a fat kid tasting cake for the first time, I because gluttonous for a good thing.

J wants to use some of the time that we'd normally spend shagging, to talk more... you know, that little thing called communication that I recently [read: within the last twelve months] discovered I'm not that great at. Soooo... I guess we're going to be doing that.

All sarcasm aside, I would happily give up half of the sex J and I have to invest in a deeper understanding of one another. I love how this man challenges my mindset, coaches me on how to be a more assertive woman and not settle for an obedient, mundane life. I enjoy the results of the progress I've already made. As confusing as change can be sometimes, I am excited to continue to uncover the woman that's been stifled inside all these years, and bloom with a man who understands how to inspire the best from me.

Summer Updates!

Last month I decided to surprise my partner by dying my naturally golden locks to a dark shade of red and brown, however I was the one surprised when he looked at me with pity and exclaimed that he didn't like it... it reminded him of his ex wife! SHIT! I didn't break up with him over the comparison to his ex, though I momentarily considered it. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty and all, but who likes being compared to another woman, let alone an ex? I have been so busy that I haven't gotten around to removing the color, until right now. My son is at school and my oldest daughter and I are taking a "recess" from her home school studies long enough for her to watch PBS' "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" and me to make my natural, "dear lord please let this work" hair dye removal mixture. While my mixture is setting, I thought I may ignore my breakfast dishes to update this little outlet of mine.

My partner and I had his kids for a couple weeks this summer. What a blast! I learned soooooo much about Minecraft and yet there is so much more to learn. You know the scene in "Being John Malkovich" where John Malkovich goes inside his own brain and all anyone says is "Malkovich... Malkovich malkovich malkovich"? 

Well... Replace "Malkovich" with "Minecraft" and you have the nearly complete diary of my summer. 

J took his kids and I to Vegas where I met his mother, sister and her family. Unfortunately, the heat of the day proved to be too much for my dehydrated body and wasn't able to enjoy my time there as much as I would have liked. His family was very welcoming and I am looking forward to deepening our relationships. :) 

J and I overlooking the strip outside of New York-New York Hotel and Casino.

J and I got some time on the strip. We found our way to the empty top floor of The Rainforest Cafe where we canoodled under the faux forest canopy. We'd randomly stop and slow dance while walking the strip, we drank coffee at Jean Philippe Patisserie while listening to a pianist and people watching. Then, when my feet were sore from walking in heels the entire time, my man picked me up and carried me back to the car. Forget chivalry, J is just down right romantic. 

While in Vegas, my co-worker called to notify me that the restaurant we worked for suddenly closed, but everything happens for a reason and I was able to take the time I needed for other things. I had a procedure done to remove the cancer cells in my cervix, got registered for my fall classes and spent time running essential errands, bonded with J's kids and got ready for my children to return home.

This summer had many family adventures including the San Diego Fair, Seaworld, days spent playing in the pool, hikes and science discovery centers (see pics at the bottom)... but the one adventure I was ecstatic about, was my trip to the East Coast to pick up my kiddos from their Dad's house. I took the bus to catch the train to the airport.  I'm not used to public transportation, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting new people and listening to whatever stories they chose to divulge. I may have to take buses more often.

My kiddos were very excited to see me and I was able to give them lots of snuggles before crashing out on my ex's couch. My ex had to work so I packed up the kiddos' belongings and got them loaded up. Their dad fixed us dinner and I did a small photoshoot of him and the kids before taking off home. Three days in the car with three kids and I didn't even get a dern t-shirt! BUT what I did get is the solidification that my kids are AMAZING!   

My son, the "Co-Pilot" had the same sense of urgency to return to our West Coast home as I did. The reason? The kids and I were due to arrive home on a Friday night and our town's schools systems returned to school the following Monday. StigKidC just couldn't wait to get back home to play with "[his] brothers". StigKidG and StigKidA both took to J's daughter as their "sister" as well. It's almost a dream how well they all get along. 

My girls... The "Floaty Sisters"

J's kiddos are back with their mom and our little condo is feeling a little bit bigger (quite like the electric bill). J, StigKidC and I are very much looking forward to catching J's oldest son's weekly baseball games. :) J got some awesome news at work, and that means we may be moving... Good thing I decided to get my degree online instead of a brick and mortar. I now have the freedom to go anywhere, follow my heart, without having to interrupt my education (again).

Life keeps constantly moving and I am loving each and every day. On a mushy note, I've found my happiness. I found a man who stands beside me, a man who brings out the best in me and nurtures my soul. We can lay next to each other and talk for hours about things like universal energy, quantum mechanics, book ideas, random acts of kindness and how we can make this world a better place. He dances with me... all the time and he makes me laugh. I am so grateful that, today, for however long it lasts (I'm counting on forever), he is in my life. I am thankful that he is an amazing father figure for my children and looks out for them, plays with them, the same as his own. I am surprised when he uses words like "we" "us" and "our" when discussing his future. Yes... Our future. Our plans. Our family. Our happiness.

Oh how sweet it is. :) 

"Christians"

I'm having a rough day. I have a gentle heart and I can't seem to let people's ignorant, hurtful comments and jabs just roll off my back. If we haven't even had a conversation, or met in person, what makes someone think they know enough about me to justify their less-than-kind behavior toward me?

Also, unless I'm doing something that negatively and directly affects someone else, why should they have ANY interest in the goings on of my life?! It's mind-boggling to me the number of people who say they "Know about my situation", they "Already know" this or that... Unless You hear it DIRECTLY from me, assume you know NOTHING.

You know what's even worse? Most of the negativity I have in my life is brought there by people who call themselves Christians. I am a Christ follower. Aren't we supposed to be sharing God's Love and be a candle to the world? I am not seeing people act like that too often! I see a bunch of gossipy, judgmental, rude, and spiteful people walking around trying to even some invisible scoreboard and I am getting frustrated!

*DEEP BREATH*

Okay... Tell ya what. To the few people who have tried to bring be down, I'm no longer giving you space in my head. You don't deserve my time. To the two women who have insulted my looks... You both are as pretty on the outside as you are on the inside, so maybe you should take a good hard look in the mirror before calling me a "5".  It looks as though I may have to continue to have you in my life, so I pray you can stop wasting your time throwing digs in my direction and learn to focus and be happy with yourself... because you're obviously not and I feel sad for you.

To the rude and gossipy people who have entered my life, WATCH OUT, because I'm going to go out of my way to do something nice for you. Maybe it's been a while since someone has been kind to you. Maybe you need an example or a reminder of how we should treat each other. I'm going to be that example for ya.

Since this is MY blog and I can do with it as I please, I'm going to take away the ammo for future hateful rebuttals.

I am a Christian, and like EVERYONE, I am a sinner (see NIV Romans 3:23).
My Misgivings are as follows:

• I have been cheated on and cheated back. 
• I have unmartial sex (at least once a day). 
• I have had more than one sex partner.
• I entered a relationship with a man during the required 6 month separation period of my divorce.
• I have lied approximately 50 times in my life (including calling in sick to work, and white lies about why I was late). 
• I have said "God-Dammit" and "Jesus" when I haven't been praying. as well as a few other broken commandments 
• I have hated someone.
• I have wished death on someone... heck, a few people.
• I have trouble forgiving certain things and certain people.
• I have an affinity for inappropriate, nighttime behavior in church parking lots (If they are churches of another religion I won' burn in hell will I?)

I am constantly changing and becoming a better, cleaner soul. I prefer to learn from my mistakes, but not dwell on them. If I think I can help someone by sharing my past with them, I will. If someone wants to know me better and asks about my past, I will answer honestly. Other than that, I try to leave my past with my God, live for today and build for my future.

Life of TheStigMom Part One:BabyStig

Just a little history for those who like reading about other people’s stories.

The history of my mom and dad is the typical American love story.. Ya know… Divorced mother of one (my mom) meets “SD” at a bar, they have sex, “SD” ends up having a family of his own and when my mom tells “SD” she is pregnant, “SD” told my mom to get lost or SHE would ruin his family.  Sigh Real winner, that one.

So with my Sperm Donor out of the picture, my mother set out to have me on her own. Now, my mom had been living with one of the worst cases of MS that the specialists in Washington State had ever documented. She was advised to abort me, Her mother pleaded with her, worried for her safety. My mother was told she wouldn’t survive the pregnancy, if she did survive, I wouldn’t, and if I did… there was only a slim chance I would be born healthy.

My mom chose life, I was born healthy, but she lost the use of her legs and the doctors told her she would never walk again. My single, disabled mother of two, didn’t believe them and with determination… she was eventually able to get out of her wheelchair. She did the very best she could. She was a very determined woman, but her struggles were just beginning. I don’t know what caused my mother to lose her mind, the disease, genetics, the medications, I really don’t expect answers.  The fact remains she did. 

Before I left the hospital, a few days old, my mother thought it’d be okay to feed me mashed potatoes. Even with family taking turns coming to help her care for us, she’d forget feedings, forget she even had children for hours at a time. I was hospitalized with a Failure to thrive (FTT). I don’t really remember anything, being that young, but do know that’s when my 8 year old sister, H, started caring for me. She was my little mommy.  I loved her more than I loved anything else.

My mother wasn’t a monster. I know that a woman has needs, and even with her illness (turned mental illness), my single mother needed to feel loved, she needed the attention of men. She’d bring men home and sometimes those men would find her two little daughters attractive too. Get where I’m going with this? This I remember clearly. My older sister always did her best to protect me from the harm these savage men would do. She’d sneak me into her room in a pile of blankets, she’d lock her doors… she was braver than any child should have to be. My sister was my protector, my hero. Some days our mother would lose her patience, her anger usually spewed unto my sister. I remember our mom telling H things like I was her favorite, how she was ugly... I remember my sister taking the blame for little insignificant things that I did (not even two years old I was probably a mess maker) and getting whipped with the cord of the vacuum, and I remember being left alone, a lot. My sister would hurry back from school each day to take care of me. Until one day she came home and I wasn’t there.

That day a woman came to the door. I was used to random people coming in and talking to my mother, we lived blocks away from a Jehovah’s witness church and really, my mother rarely turned anyone away who came to talk about Jesus. That day, however, the woman didn’t come to talk about God, She came to remove me from the home. My mother called me from the kitchen into the livingroom. I remember the look on her face. The lady offered me a stuffed animal but I was hesitant to go near her. My mother must have been lucid that day, She was calm, but her eyes were sad as she forced a smile and said it was alright to go. She hugged me tight and told me she loved me. The sky was clear, the air was warm and the calm and gentle movements of my caseworker’s car lulled me to sleep. It was a short car ride and the crunch of the gravel stirred me awake in time to watch the car pull in to the driveway of my new life.