The Orchid and the Dandelion

The University of Essex published a study illustrating how certain variances in the serotonin transporter gene impact emotional response development. This study is known as the Orchid and the Dandelion. To sum it up in layman's terms there are two kinds of people, Dandelions and Orchids. "Dandelions" adapt to nearly any environment and flourish while "Orchids" are sensitive to their environments and are much more prone to anxiety disorders, depression, crime and substance abuse. 

I have endured many painful circumstances in my life, but when I am withering I still seek out stronger foundations because I have the faith of a brighter future ahead of me. I pride myself on my ability to see situational failure as the stepping stones to lifetime success. When dealing with pain I have a few steps that help me back on my feet.

Take the time to feel emotional: 
I have come a long way in a few short years. I chose to shut off my emotions to become logical, cold, and calculated. I felt the need to hide the pain until I no longer felt it. That saved me for a few years, but I was stuck and couldn't mature emotionally. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions hurts, and I still find myself veering off into the deep logic side for shelter, but it's important for me to redirect and keep on course with the healing process. 

Process the pain and assess the circumstances:

Three skills are necessary at this step, clear judgement, unbiased listening, and assertiveness. the majority of my pain has usually included another person, so I usually talk this out with that person directly. Most people talk this out with those closest to them, but I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle so if I can't find someone I want to talk to about this particular situation I'll either talk it out with myself or my deity, either way, it's very difficult to have a dishonest conversation.

It's important to realize that pain carriers utilize thinking errors to over analyze situations and to keep you focused on what you don't like, often becoming more aggressive (the anger part of the 7 stages of grief). It's okay to get angry, I try not to stay in this stage for too long because it eats up the happiness in my life.

I ask myself questions like:

What my part was in the situation? 

Could I have handled it better, how?

Was this preventable?

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

What do I want to happen from here? 

How does this affect my long term goals?

How do I get myself back on track?

Learn what I can about myself and life:

Post-traumatic growth (yes, it's a real thing. Google it.) is the understanding that distress has the potential to be a catalyst for positive change. I may not be able to prevent every unpleasant situation in my life but I am determined to grow from my pain. The fact is, bad things happen to all of us but sitting around thinking of the bad that happens robs us of the good available. I am not responsible for every situation, good or bad, I may find myself in, but I am always responsible for my emotions and actions. 

Emotional and spiritual development always follow pain if you allow it. 

Lace up my proverbial boots and keep moving forward, even when I don't feel like it.

The show must go on. Suicidal ideations happen to the best of us, lord knows I've had my fair share, but there is always something better out there. There is always a bigger plan that you don't always get to see. Life is worth living.

I am a mother, a business owner/entrepreneur, a daughter, sister, and a friend. I can't quit, even if I wanted to. I have goals that need to be accomplished and recipes I need to master. My children deserve a mommy in their lives and I am the only one who can fill those boots. Equally as important, I have a higher purpose that will take a lifetime to fulfill: To share what I know about love and grace. One thing to know about love is that it always perseveres. Since love perseveres, then Orchids and Dandelions must as well.

Changes

With seven children in our home, my partner J and I decided to celebrate the New Year with the East Coasters. I finished up my nightly portion of homework with four minutes to spare and we ran downstairs to join our wonderful neighbor’s celebration. Casually ringing in the New Year with my sweetheart’s lips on mine, toasting with dear friends and laughing with our children was honestly one of the best holidays I've ever had. 

J and I are absolutely GIDDY about our future together. We've started merging more of our life together and preparing for a life of debt free living, investing and travel. I’m over the moon to have found a man who is everything I could ever ask for.  Instead of aimlessly spending all of our income, J and I came up with a plan to give us direction.  We started by laying our all of our debt, smallest to largest; by using an Excel spreadsheet that shows us how long it will take us to be debt free. Along with our financial goals, J and I came up with a year full of monthly progressive goals to accomplish. J will be sharing our financial goals on his blog, http://cswsiggy.blogspot.com/ and I’ll be updating on the progress of our other monthly goals here!

Here’s the layout of our monthly progressive goals we designed to enrich our lives as a couple.

I hope you had a fabulous New Year. I'm wishing you and yours a peaceful and prosperous 2014!

One Love,
Heathery

The Blooming Fashionista

I am a Tom boy.
I was raised in the woods, grew up on a mountain bike and know how to track cougars, deer and bears. My entire life, I'd rather be hiking than doing anything else. I'd rather wrestle and box than shop or meet friends for coffee. I prefer jeans and Chuck Taylors

I'm in my native fashion element

over dresses and heels and I sure as heck didn't wear makeup. I haven't been much of a girl, so recently, I challenged myself to experiment with fashion, makeup, hair and cooking. Man... This stuff is so much harder than it looks.

 After numerous hours on Pinterest, finding looks I could put together with what I already had in my closet, then watching countless hair and makeup tutorials on Youtube I felt ready to experiment, One outfit a day {If you follow me on Instagram, you will have already seen a few of these}.

I had so much fun discovering new looks that I'm going to keep it up. Now if only my attempts at cooking went over as well!

I have curves and I've been afraid to use them

I feel utterly ridiculous in front of a camera

I love the bold fall colors
present in the skirt.

I love this little
mermaid inspired number.

My bold statement shirt,
paired with skinny jeans and heels. 

I have developed a friendship with stripes.

Very casual, perfect for a trip to our
community center and then to the park.

I had an oversized sweater to wrap up in.

Attempting to class up my normal look
by wearing a cuffed skinny jean
and layering my tops. 

I found this awesome guitar shirt at a thrift store and it inspired my "braidhawk".
 I had a lot of fun rocking this outfit.

My Halloween costume is figure flattering.
Can you guess what I am?

Today's inspiration stems from the French matelot.
Striped shirt tucked into my suit pants.

Beautiful But Sad Things.

I usually only read books that are scientifically/mathematically based with the exception of poetry. The last two years, however, my heart has been in search of new foundations and I've been inclined to step out of my comfort zone to try new things.

I picked up this book and read in one day. Of all the words, of all the passages, I found a piece of myself in this sentence; "I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful but sad things." (Sylvain Reynard, Gabriel's Inferno)

How true to me. I try to help homeless when I can, my career path is to help children in bad situations and all my life I've always tried to heal the broken and help the lost find purpose. Doing those things for others is actually quite selfish of me. You see, those little acts that help bring light to others, helps keep my own demons at bay.

Everyday I wage an all out war on loneliness. Most days I win the battle, still I wonder, not IF, but WHEN my war will end.

My God is faithful. My God doesn't just love, he IS love. I know I am never alone.

American Horror Story

Why is the US Flag displayed Upside Down?

The upside down U.S. flag is an official signal of distress. It is not meant to be, and is not officially recognized as any type of disrespect when so displayed for the right reasons. To the contrary, here is the relevant part of the US Code of Laws regarding how to fly the flag when in distress:

THE FLAG CODE 
Title 36, U.S.C., Chapter 10 
As amended by P.L. 344, 94th Congress
Approved July 7, 1976

§ 176. Respect for flag: No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of America; the flag should not be dipped to any person or thing. Regimental colors, State flags, and organization or institutional flags are to be dipped as a mark of honor.

(a) The flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property.

Most individuals who have served in the military service of our nation will (or should) recognize this signal.

As a result of the many traitors and enemies we as a free people have, both foreign and domestic, as a result of the many unconstitutional acts, legislation and atrocities passed and/or committed against US citizens and their life, liberty and property, and as a result of policies that have allowed (and continue to allow) enemies of this nation to enter in large numbers through a porous border policy, I believe the life, liberty and property of US Citizens are in dire danger and distress.

I love my country. I am honored to support those who sacrifice everything to defend our freedoms. It is my hope that the most recent turn of events will wake up the my countrymen, who seem to care more about their television programs then the government who who have been trying to rob us of our freedoms. For those who are praying, "God help us", That's great and all.. but God was kicked out of our government, so how about doing your job as a citizen, and help yourself. Get informed of your rights, vote, BE the difference needed to prevent this shit-show from happening in the future.

It's not a new concept, I propose we pass a bill that our commander in chief, our "servant of the people", and members of our house and senate have their pay held, should this situation arise in the future. I'm not a politician, but I sure as hell believe that I love America more than the majority of the worthless piles of poo we call our leaders.

Let's talk God.

John Fugelsang delightfully articulates our shared view on God. What an entertaining, friendly conversation between two individuals with differing opinions. 

I enjoy conversing, exchanging personal beliefs and ideas in open forums, so please, if you're easily offended by what I post on my page, realize that YOU alone are responsible for your reactions. Please realize that will never push my personal views on anyone. My only intent is to share my views and experiences. Please feel free to turn this into a friendly conversation, whether you agree or disagree.

I believe in and seek God, NOT specific religions. I do believe in the holy trinity and I do find comfort in certain books of the bible, the same as I do reading the Torah, Quran, Avesta, The Vedas, and Pali Canon collection.

The bible, over time, has been mistranslated and changes dictated by those in power. Reading the bible in it's original text is quite an eye opener, and while I recommend it, I also recommend reading with the consideration that it was written by MEN, it has biases and illustrates views and laws of the times the books were written.

I believe in Jesus, but most people have the Sunday school version of a dude who died for sins and we celebrate birth and death, and that is just the surface of the guy I have come to know. In my youth, I read everything I could about the son of God. Whether you believe Jesus is the son of God or just a fictional character who is supposed to set a good example, the fact remains, the "character" of Jesus is that of a man did more than simply tolerate the outcast of his society. He shared meals, he washed their feet, he served them, he healed them, he never judged them, You know what he DID? LOVED them.

Do you want to know what made Jesus mad?

Those who hurt children. “If you harm one of these little ones, better for you that a millstone be draped around your neck and you be dropped into the depths of the sea” (Luke 17:2).

Self-righteous judgmentalism. As He drove out the money-changers from the spaces normally dedicated to prayer for Gentiles as well as Jews, overturning their tables, He cried out the words of Isaiah: “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations.” Oh... I'm sorry... Did you get that... ALL NATIONS.

Essentially, the example Jesus sets for us to follow is, be a light to the world, love your brother, take care of children, and don't be an asshole. Religious sects of all kinds could learn a thing or two.

*steps off pulpit* Happy Tuesday Y'all!

Man, I wish I could say, "The dog ate it."

A couple weeks ago I made a post, then, in true, "oh shit... Did I just put that on the internet" form, I deleted it. I wanted to repost sooner, but my schedule hasn't permitted the time. While my post may have been completely true, I find ranting a wee bit distasteful. I probably should have just edited it. I live, I learn, I'm sorry for committing an apparent blogger sin, it won't happen again.

Anyway, to summarize in a more professional manner, J and I have had some relationship hiccups lately in the romance department. I am hoping he steps up his game, but in the mean time, I have decided to step back and view things from an alternative perspective. I have since seen the little... Yes, less romantic, but none-the-less sweet ways J displays his love.

No relationship is perfect, I am not one to expect perfection either. We are human. We err. Sometimes in our quest for what we think we want, we find what we need. I am grateful for J. For the time being, he is what I need. Can I see this lasting long term? You betcha. As long as he continues accepting my numerous flaws, I'll keep accepting his.

Anyway, "Anonymous", I read your feedback. I appreciate your honesty. I hope one day you choose to be less sarcastic and rude in your approach, but even if you don't... Meh... It is what it is (As stated frequently by a friend of mine, sounds like you may know him).

I am Not a Vulcan (anymore)

Preface

I have always been an excellent communicator, I simply wouldn't communicate my emotions (when I allowed myself to feel them). Lately, after much hard work and constant encouragement from my partner, I am learning to allow myself to acknowledge and process my feelings. This process, admittedly... Sucks. Having to acknowledge the tramas of my past, having to admit my insecurities and actually say when I'm feeling hurt or angry instead of "stuffing" it away... Ahh! Emotional overload!

To The Point

My children are supposed to with their father through the summer, they have been gone a little over a month. Although we talk daily and Skype, it's not the same as holding them in my arms. Without them with me, I could easily slip into depression, and granted I've had two days where I did nothing but laze about my condo, lost and missing them.

It's a daily struggle to remind myself why I decided to have my ex take them for the summer months. I am constantly saying, "You need to focus on school, keep your appointments, get rid of the cancer, get to know yourself, go out and have a little adventure, work, buy a new car..." I have a laundry list of goals I wanted to accomplish and interests I wanted to pursue, lists of things that would be much more difficult to do with my children present. Happily, I've used my time wisely and the summer is nearly over... My babies are coming home soon!!!

Dealing with cancer sucks. Lack of dealing with cancer would be worse. I have a lot to live for, a lot to fight for and for the first time in my life, I have the love and support of a man I trust wholeheartedly. All of this mushy, "touchy feely" stuff is a little much at times, but I'm thankful for the growth, and to have someone love me enough to see me though all of this.

I'm better because you're in my life J.

Life of TheStigMom Part One:BabyStig

Just a little history for those who like reading about other people’s stories.

The history of my mom and dad is the typical American love story.. Ya know… Divorced mother of one (my mom) meets “SD” at a bar, they have sex, “SD” ends up having a family of his own and when my mom tells “SD” she is pregnant, “SD” told my mom to get lost or SHE would ruin his family.  Sigh Real winner, that one.

So with my Sperm Donor out of the picture, my mother set out to have me on her own. Now, my mom had been living with one of the worst cases of MS that the specialists in Washington State had ever documented. She was advised to abort me, Her mother pleaded with her, worried for her safety. My mother was told she wouldn’t survive the pregnancy, if she did survive, I wouldn’t, and if I did… there was only a slim chance I would be born healthy.

My mom chose life, I was born healthy, but she lost the use of her legs and the doctors told her she would never walk again. My single, disabled mother of two, didn’t believe them and with determination… she was eventually able to get out of her wheelchair. She did the very best she could. She was a very determined woman, but her struggles were just beginning. I don’t know what caused my mother to lose her mind, the disease, genetics, the medications, I really don’t expect answers.  The fact remains she did. 

Before I left the hospital, a few days old, my mother thought it’d be okay to feed me mashed potatoes. Even with family taking turns coming to help her care for us, she’d forget feedings, forget she even had children for hours at a time. I was hospitalized with a Failure to thrive (FTT). I don’t really remember anything, being that young, but do know that’s when my 8 year old sister, H, started caring for me. She was my little mommy.  I loved her more than I loved anything else.

My mother wasn’t a monster. I know that a woman has needs, and even with her illness (turned mental illness), my single mother needed to feel loved, she needed the attention of men. She’d bring men home and sometimes those men would find her two little daughters attractive too. Get where I’m going with this? This I remember clearly. My older sister always did her best to protect me from the harm these savage men would do. She’d sneak me into her room in a pile of blankets, she’d lock her doors… she was braver than any child should have to be. My sister was my protector, my hero. Some days our mother would lose her patience, her anger usually spewed unto my sister. I remember our mom telling H things like I was her favorite, how she was ugly... I remember my sister taking the blame for little insignificant things that I did (not even two years old I was probably a mess maker) and getting whipped with the cord of the vacuum, and I remember being left alone, a lot. My sister would hurry back from school each day to take care of me. Until one day she came home and I wasn’t there.

That day a woman came to the door. I was used to random people coming in and talking to my mother, we lived blocks away from a Jehovah’s witness church and really, my mother rarely turned anyone away who came to talk about Jesus. That day, however, the woman didn’t come to talk about God, She came to remove me from the home. My mother called me from the kitchen into the livingroom. I remember the look on her face. The lady offered me a stuffed animal but I was hesitant to go near her. My mother must have been lucid that day, She was calm, but her eyes were sad as she forced a smile and said it was alright to go. She hugged me tight and told me she loved me. The sky was clear, the air was warm and the calm and gentle movements of my caseworker’s car lulled me to sleep. It was a short car ride and the crunch of the gravel stirred me awake in time to watch the car pull in to the driveway of my new life.