Family Time Communication Questions

Every evening our family sits down together to eat. It get's a little crazy here, especially on the days we have all seven, but I know that no matter how hectic the day gets, I can always look forward to the uninterrupted family time that I so cherish. We go around the table asking specific questions about each other's day and talk about anything we feel we need to, highs and lows.

Gosh, I can't tell you how good it feels to have that open dialogue and the wonders it does for our closeness. I can't recommend it enough. If you're like me, you're always scouting refreshing ways to talk to your spouse and your kiddos. I stumbled upon a sweet little list today that may help you out.

*Long side note*
This list is specific to school aged children, but don't forget to ask your spouse about their day and let the children join in the conversation. Often, we forget to talk about what we do all day when we are not around our kids, but discussing our work with children can better expand their knowledge and understanding of the world and how things work. and to the parents who are able to stay at home or work from home, your job (really... JOBS) may seem mundane at times, maybe even seemingly unimportant, but it is a huge responsibility and discussing it with children and your spouse is not only cathartic, but just as informative to your spouse and children.

25 Ways to Ask Your Kids 'So How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'So How Was School Today?'

The Orchid and the Dandelion

The University of Essex published a study illustrating how certain variances in the serotonin transporter gene impact emotional response development. This study is known as the Orchid and the Dandelion. To sum it up in layman's terms there are two kinds of people, Dandelions and Orchids. "Dandelions" adapt to nearly any environment and flourish while "Orchids" are sensitive to their environments and are much more prone to anxiety disorders, depression, crime and substance abuse. 

I have endured many painful circumstances in my life, but when I am withering I still seek out stronger foundations because I have the faith of a brighter future ahead of me. I pride myself on my ability to see situational failure as the stepping stones to lifetime success. When dealing with pain I have a few steps that help me back on my feet.

Take the time to feel emotional: 
I have come a long way in a few short years. I chose to shut off my emotions to become logical, cold, and calculated. I felt the need to hide the pain until I no longer felt it. That saved me for a few years, but I was stuck and couldn't mature emotionally. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions hurts, and I still find myself veering off into the deep logic side for shelter, but it's important for me to redirect and keep on course with the healing process. 

Process the pain and assess the circumstances:

Three skills are necessary at this step, clear judgement, unbiased listening, and assertiveness. the majority of my pain has usually included another person, so I usually talk this out with that person directly. Most people talk this out with those closest to them, but I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle so if I can't find someone I want to talk to about this particular situation I'll either talk it out with myself or my deity, either way, it's very difficult to have a dishonest conversation.

It's important to realize that pain carriers utilize thinking errors to over analyze situations and to keep you focused on what you don't like, often becoming more aggressive (the anger part of the 7 stages of grief). It's okay to get angry, I try not to stay in this stage for too long because it eats up the happiness in my life.

I ask myself questions like:

What my part was in the situation? 

Could I have handled it better, how?

Was this preventable?

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

What do I want to happen from here? 

How does this affect my long term goals?

How do I get myself back on track?

Learn what I can about myself and life:

Post-traumatic growth (yes, it's a real thing. Google it.) is the understanding that distress has the potential to be a catalyst for positive change. I may not be able to prevent every unpleasant situation in my life but I am determined to grow from my pain. The fact is, bad things happen to all of us but sitting around thinking of the bad that happens robs us of the good available. I am not responsible for every situation, good or bad, I may find myself in, but I am always responsible for my emotions and actions. 

Emotional and spiritual development always follow pain if you allow it. 

Lace up my proverbial boots and keep moving forward, even when I don't feel like it.

The show must go on. Suicidal ideations happen to the best of us, lord knows I've had my fair share, but there is always something better out there. There is always a bigger plan that you don't always get to see. Life is worth living.

I am a mother, a business owner/entrepreneur, a daughter, sister, and a friend. I can't quit, even if I wanted to. I have goals that need to be accomplished and recipes I need to master. My children deserve a mommy in their lives and I am the only one who can fill those boots. Equally as important, I have a higher purpose that will take a lifetime to fulfill: To share what I know about love and grace. One thing to know about love is that it always perseveres. Since love perseveres, then Orchids and Dandelions must as well.

Physical Fitness

I had recently posted a facebook status about my size and subsequent fitness goal which sparked many of my friends to message me about HOW I intend to lower my bodyfat percentage. THE single most important tip I can pass along is this: Abs are made in the kitchen! In order to keep our bodies in shape, a minimum workout of 30 minutes and nutritious meals are essential!

As a single, work-from-home mommy, I simply can not afford a gym membership or daycare and the free crossfit gyms nearby don't allow young children so for now, I'm a workout-from-home mommy as well. I also have the added bonus issue of battling hemorrhoids that surgery hasn't fixed, which means I need to alter my workouts so I don't end up walking like I stick up my butt. FUN, right?!

Anyway, I find these sets of workouts have the least amount of impact while still producing the results I'm looking for. If you try them, let me know how they work for you.

I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm getting there!

In the evenings I alternate ballet, yoga, homework, backrubs, "hand holding" and epsom salt soaks. Working out is not something I have all day to do, nor do I WANT to, but it is something that I love doing intermittently throughout my day.

Do you know that working out with your partner can lead to better sex? Oh yeah... I went there. My partner and I do many activities together, working out is one of the activities that I attribute our awesome sex life to (the other is our spiritual connection that I'll likely cover in a future post). Building better bodies through exercise stimulates the release of endorphins, you know, the stuff that makes you feel good. Fellow Washingtonians, instead of picking up pot, why not try picking up some kettlebells and get naturally high!

Now, I'm going to show you photos of my weightloss journey, including photos of me before I lost all this weight... ready? I'm not! *Deep Breath* Here we go.

August 2011, 4 months after my youngest was born. I'm on the far left. Size 14 

September 2011, Size 10

April 2012 Size 6/7

Nov 2012 Size 5/6

July 2013 Size 4 (finally comfortable enough to show my belly)

Oh man. It's so hard looking at photos of me being so heavy. Honestly, my marriage was in BIG trouble and I was inspired to lose the weight. My (now ex) husband would come home and I'd take off for a jog. I'd jog for hours all around my neighborhood. I'd jog with my dear friend Vanessa. I used jogging and working out as additional therapy and boy, looking back, I'm glad I did. My marital issues ended up in divorce, but on the positive side, I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. GO ME!!! And guess what? If I could do this, with all the obstacles that tried to stand in my way SO CAN YOU!!! 

Exes and Ohs

This is a conversation my ex and I had a while ago. I'm sharing it today as I believe it's a good example how two people can still be friendly and lift each other up, even after they're no longer together.  It starts with his text:

My reply?

***,

I got your message today. I wanted to tell you... as the father of my children and my friend, I love you too. You have to know that you have driven me insane over the last eleven years together, but I am certain you feel the same about me! Those little quirks... the fights... the love... the most amazing kids in the world, have all combined to shape us into the people we are today, and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing.

You are a good guy and I wish you nothing but success in all you seek to accomplish, happiness and the ability to separate yourself from work to appreciate the finer things in life, and MOST importantly, I wish you Love. True, Your next girl won't be as awesome as I am ;) but I know, when you find one you want to be serious with, she'll (he?) be worth it.

Man... Divorce is tough. There aren't many rules and I feel like the California Legal system was designed by a blue falcon (if you know what I mean). None the less, we're creating a good path. There have been some bumps in the road and I anticipate more bumps in the future, however, we're connected by the amazing bond we created through our children... for the rest of our lives (or until one of us dies.. you're older, just sayin')

To some things up *** Elgie, I'll use the words of a wise man. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." (Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

………………………………………………………………………………

All good things come with love.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV) 

Let's dive into this, shall we... Love is patient/it is not easily angered, I am not. I expect everything to be done in a timely manner and done right. However, Love is teaching me to be more patient.

Love is KIND/Love isn't rude. I know I have said things that have been unkind, even rude to others, even our mates. After having a heart to heart with J, I found out that I had unintentionally been rude to him by being overly honest in my opinion of his religion. Here all along I have been striving to be open minded and seeking equality for all beliefs and ways of life, and yet I was rude to the closest person to me. I know I've certainly said rude things to my ex, especially in his choice of sexual partners and parenting skills. Well, I now realize that his partners aren't my concern, in fact, only SOME of his choices regarding our children are of my concern. The hardest test will be coming next summer when he has the kids. I have to trust his parenting and not criticize his techniques or be so hard on him when he isn't a perfect parent. He hasn't been the primary parent in their lives so how can I expect him to know everything that took me until now to learn? I can't!

Love doesn't envy. Well now... My little green eyed monster used to raise it's head when my ex would get a night out and I'd be stuck with the kids all day.. Then my jealousy grew to him having a life and friends outside the house, his work was his escape. I wanted to work outside the home, but we could never afford daycare. I wanted a life and friends too. I had given up my life, my home, my family and friends when my ex joined the Marines four years into our marriage. That was his choice, and now I had to give up everything where I was alone... and HE got a break? I found it very difficult NOT to be jealous. Now, in my current relationship, I am only jealous that my partner's strengths are my weaknesses. He is "wicked smart" in areas I struggle to understand. He retains information, and sometimes... JUST sometimes, he takes better photos than I do. I am learning to let go of jealousy and be genuinely happy for my mate. Thankfully, I only have had jealousy issues with my mate, and very rarely towards anyone else. My parents raised me to be appreciative for what I have as well as the knowledge that What I have is a direct result of what I earned. I can't be upset that someone earned something that I want but haven't yet earned for myself. 

Love doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it is not self-seeking... Wow. Do you know what this means? It means when you're genuinely loving someone, you will not be thinking about yourself. You think about what's best for them. You do things for them to show them your love and you don't do it for recognition or praise.

I hope you choose to truly love the important people in your life. Tonight, I'm wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas! I am starting the New Year out with some exciting news and projects, so stick around if you want to follow me on a fabulous adventure!

One Love,

Heathery

Inspiration for my kiddos

Be strong, independent people. Know yourself and love yourself before you take a partner. Never be afraid to speak your mind, but always try to do so with dignity and eloquence. Know that no matter where you roam, or however long you've been gone, you will find an open door and a warm meal with your mama. I have always loved you and I always will. 

<3 

   T 

     T

       A,

Mom.