"SOMEDAY" When Exactly is That Again?

I come off as a brave woman, but the truth is, given my history with men, I had been afraid of giving my heart completely to another person just to be emotionally destroyed. I'm tough, but having to start over last time sent me into a dark depression that I just don't want to have to experience again. The last few months, However, some things have changed. 

After over five years of pain and anger, I have been able to finally forgive my ex husband which left so much more room in my heart for the amazing things God has planned for me.

Justin and I started off the year by regularly attending church and diving back into seeking God. Justin said he has learned so much about how to be a man and how God wants him to treat me. I love being with a man who has a heart for God. 

I realized that out of bitterness, I had come to institutionalize rather than honor the sanctity of marriage. Because I had been so deeply hurt in my last marriage, I formed the perspective that marriage is just a piece of paper where two people get different tax exemptions for merging their lives. In my mind, when you love someone, when you live with someone, when you join households and raise children with someone, the government should just keep out of it. Well... Loving God the way I do, I know what his word says. Marriage isn't between two people, when you're a Christian, Marriage is a covenant between two people AND GOD. Marriage is about faith, not numbers. 

Being completely open with you, the last two weeks have laid a heavy burden on my heart. Yes, It's true I'm a nympho, but I'm a nympho with a conscience and deep roots in my faith. I am of the firm belief that it's God's plan for his people to get married before engaging in sexual activities. I'm not married and have been engaging HEAVILY in sexual activities. That's not a "whoops"... I didn't accidentally fall naked on top of his manhood, I have been directly violating God's word. Justin and I love each other as man and wife. People mistakenly refer to me as Justin's wife and he doesn't correct them; He says he views me as his wife and I respond by saying that's a title that I haven't earned. He rebuttals that I will be someday. 

After talking with two of my friends that are about to get engaged, one dating a few months longer than J and I , and another started dating long after J and I... I'm genuinely happy for both of them, not even jealous a little. I know Justin and I are working on our own timeline. We have so many goals we want to accomplish before entering marriage again, the thing of it is, I want more than a promise. Words have a face value, ACTION is my love language. Justin says he wants to marry me, someday, I don't want to rush to the alter, but it was time we sat down to figure out just WHEN someday placed in our timeline. 

Being the logical (read: nerdy) people we are, Justin and I literally drew out our ideal timelines and shared them with each other. They were so stinking similar, except for one thing... getting engaged. My ideal timeline includes getting engaged between now and right after I graduate (in about 19 months), have a longer engagement where we save up for our dream wedding and honeymoon, Justin retires and then we get married. Side note: Getting married after retirement stems from me telling him from the start I don't want to marry a Marine. Getting to know him, I realize he's not a typical Marine, so I wouldn't even mind marrying him before he retires. In Justin's ideal timeline, engagement comes about a year before the wedding and in that time we fit in relationship counseling and marriage preparation classes. He says he wants to do it right this time and set us up for success. Over the last few months, he had kept mentioning that he isn't quite ready for marriage (Which I happen to agree with). I know my reasons for not feeling quite ready (I want to focus on my education and job and continue to build my multimedia empire, getting married would decrease my federal funding, J and my kids are working on their emotional bonds, we need to work out our differences in parenting styles), but I wanted to hear his reasons. His two issues are:

• He doesn't feel like he can provide for me while in debt (I definitely agree that we should start off marriage debt free).
• He's afraid of "screwing things up with [me]" and wants to take marriage and relationship classes to help learn how to be the best husband possible. 

I don't feel we should wait until a year before marriage to engage in relationship/family counseling. That's been something I've been bringing up since October last year. So we'll be starting counseling at the end of spring sports (right before summer) and regularly attend until we get married (probably after as well). 

My heart belongs to Justin already, that shouldn't shock anyone. we've known for a while that we were headed toward to alter, it's just nice to have a timeline. If you're a close friend or family reading this, look for your Save-The-Date invites to our fall 2021 wedding on a mountain lodge TBD. Hope to see you there. :) 

Mama Did a Bad BAD thing

Yes indeed. I considered not telling my partner the terrible thing I had done. But at 12:00 this morning, when my loving, faithful partner came home from his field-op, I chose to come clean with him. At first he didn't believe me, until I showed him the evidence hiding in the closet. 

No... It wasn't a man,

it was a $275 hair straightener!

Sutra 19mm Curling wand 

Now, I didn't pay $275 for it, or for the additional curling wand I bought with it... but this girl isn't used to spending money on beauty products, and anything over $100 per pay period, has always been completely out of the question for me. 

Yesterday was different.

I've been stocking money away, I've been able to afford new (not consignment) clothing items for all my kids (and J's), all my bills are been paid on time, the kitchen is stocked, I've got savings (for myself and my children), emergency funds retirement, healthcare... I still felt guilty.

Sutra Straightener

I showed J my receipt and he tried finding a better deal online. After he searched, he smiled at me and said I did a good job negotiating that deal and he was HAPPY that I spent money on myself, then he reminded me to reallocate my budget accordingly.

Each curling wand and straightener retails for $275, I bought both of mine for a total of $189.99 The heat cases retail for $20, not including tax, I paid $10 for both of my cases. My total, including California sales tax came to $216.00. 

I had $100 allotted for fun money, I had $50 remaining for fun money from last pay period, leaving $56 dollars that I need to rearrange in my budget. I am taking 30 dollars from my gas account (I'm going to a closer campus and have had excess fuel lately). The remaining $26 will come from my grocery budget (I allot more than needed and have had an extra every month of about $50)

On a related note, while shopping for my children at Carter's yesterday, I got a $20 register reward. I then went next door to TJ Maxx to shop for my oldest, I couldn't find anything, except an elderly woman who was struggling in the newborn boy section. She said she had thirty dollars to spend and their selection for boys was limited. She was frustrated. I told her that I was just in Carters and they had the cutest clothing for boys and she should try shopping there. Then I handed her my register rewards and told her how to use them. She was so grateful that she came back and handed me a candy bar and left the store smiling. Giving to that lady was the highlight of my day!

The Tale of Two Perspectives

Oh man, I had a night full of nightmares that kept waking me up. I ended up so exhausted that I slept through our alarms. Being tired is not a great way to start the day... So grumpy. :(

REWIND! ---------> let's look at this from a better perspective.

This morning I got to sleep in until 6:30, waking up only when my sweetheart gently caressed my face and shoulders, whispering sweet things to me. Once I was awake he stirred my brain by jarring the memory of our "circle of power, circle of influence" conversation, gave me a task to complete for our business. When he went to leave for the day, I listened for the door to close so I could spring up and catcall him from the bedroom window.... But the door didn't close... And I waaaaaaaaited.... And... Then he SPRANG himself on the bed folding me up in his arms, kissing me and saying "I love you woman!"

Those little moments bring lasting joy and make all the difference to my day. <3

Godly men

How a man treats his mate is evidence of his moral character. The same goes for women. I have noted that partners who honor their mate are more likely to keep the physical and emotional passion throughout their lifelong relationship. *Food for thought*

American Divorce Statistics

The Worst Date of My Life!

Friday, I had the worst date I've ever had in my life. Our first stop was fine/ We went to Hennessey's Tavern in the Gas Lamp District and listened to a funk band. They were good and groovy. Here's a clip of one of their sets that night.

I thought we may have been on our way to getting over our grumpy moods but it just went downhill from there. Even while J and I were fighting, he still opened my doors, we still shared a hot cocoa and he still took my hand and danced in the middle of a Starbucks to slow jazz. We even had a gentleman interrupt us to tell us how refreshing it is to see two people so openly passionate. At this point the thought kept popping up that crimes of passion are technically still passion.

Saturday morning we were still at odds. I considered sending him up to his boys opening baseball ceremonies by himself, but I promised the boys I'd be there and I didn't want to hurt them. Besides, I probably would've only stewed, and I didn't want to be even more upset.

 J and I had a heated discussion about our roles, flexibility and willingness to compromise in our relationship. I feel that I work extremely hard and am doing great balancing all my priorities. Justin agrees, but has two triggers, one is making sure he has adequate time with his kiddos and the other is his need for the house to be clean all the time. When he comes home and the house is messy (which happens from time to time, with my schedule and two young mess makers in the house) Justin starts acting grumpy, giving me the cold shoulder or shutting himself in our room until he can deal with it. I feel, after everything I do all day, he should try to have a little more understanding and he feels that since it's the ONLY thing he asks of me, that I should make more of an effort. We were stuck in the car, discussion going in circles, I was feeling completely unappreciated when his pride got the best of my temper and I said,

 "Why don't you just go find someone better then!" I immediately regretted it but I wanted him to say that he didn't want someone better, he wanted me... Only those words were never spoken. He turned up the radio and I sat holding back my tears.  I asked him to stop at the store so I could buy a bouquet of flowers for his ex-wife to show our appreciation of all the hard work that went into their kiddos' baseball season (that has only just begun). He got even more upset. He said I do so much for everyone and asked when I planned to take time just for me.

I didn't see how that affected him at all and informed him that I am able to spend a lot of time reflecting and recharging throughout the week, but that I'm a woman and have different ways I am able to relax. He dropped me off at the store but refused to come in. I was completely turned off by his behavior, but not ready to throw in the towel.

We arrived at our destination and I asked him if he was ready to give up on us. I told him that the decision was his. He looked over at me, clearly hurt with a bit of anger and confusion and said it sounded like I made the decision for him. I assured him that I was close to that point, but didn't want pride to get in the way of a relationship that we have worked so hard for. Before he answered, his kiddos had pulled up beside us and we exited the car to greet them and their mama. Our giant group started walking to the opening ceremony but I held J behind  for a moment. "If you want to give up on us, I get it." I continued, "But if you want to work it out, you better kiss me right now and we'll figure things out later."

He kissed me, and I smiled and pressed my lips up for another kiss. The nukes were put away and our personal cold war was put on a temporary hold.  A moment later we were back with all the kids, ready to focus on celebrating their spring baseball season.

Now, I know guys *usually* need space when they're upset, but I have this flaw, where it's hard for me to let other's be when we have issues between us that need to be resolved. However, I can give others their needed space if I can be reassured of our relationship. When I asked Justin to kiss me, I was asking for reassurance. He loves me enough to meet me halfway, even after I acted like a hormonal teenager. We are both imperfect humans with so much left to learn about communication. These little arguments are NOT enjoyable, but I do enjoy the growth and humility that comes from them.

Break it Down "Barney Style"

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations.
Albert Einstein

When I heard this quote for the first time today it impacted me greatly. I have a tendency to get caught up in my work and become very technical, almost cold, when it comes to presenting facts.

Last week I had researched social and family theories in relation to blended family systems and wanted to share this incredible information with my partner. My partner's brilliance is the main reason why we're in a relationship so in my excitement, I approached him with my newly discovered information in their technical form. I soon became discouraged when I didn't get the reaction I had anticipated.
He said, "Babe, I'm excited that you're excited, but the way you're talking to me is clinical and cold. I am having trouble following you, this isn't interesting me."

I am so thankful he said that. He made me look outside of my perspective, beyond the facts and think about how I could explain the helpful, intriguing information in a manner that could be better understood.

In the end, I think I still bored him, and when I gave my final presentation I may have been "too thorough". Yes, I aced my final, but I'm disappointed that I didn't make my information more entertaining and memorable. You can bet that I'm going to keep working at it.