I am Not a Vulcan (anymore)

Preface

I have always been an excellent communicator, I simply wouldn't communicate my emotions (when I allowed myself to feel them). Lately, after much hard work and constant encouragement from my partner, I am learning to allow myself to acknowledge and process my feelings. This process, admittedly... Sucks. Having to acknowledge the tramas of my past, having to admit my insecurities and actually say when I'm feeling hurt or angry instead of "stuffing" it away... Ahh! Emotional overload!

To The Point

My children are supposed to with their father through the summer, they have been gone a little over a month. Although we talk daily and Skype, it's not the same as holding them in my arms. Without them with me, I could easily slip into depression, and granted I've had two days where I did nothing but laze about my condo, lost and missing them.

It's a daily struggle to remind myself why I decided to have my ex take them for the summer months. I am constantly saying, "You need to focus on school, keep your appointments, get rid of the cancer, get to know yourself, go out and have a little adventure, work, buy a new car..." I have a laundry list of goals I wanted to accomplish and interests I wanted to pursue, lists of things that would be much more difficult to do with my children present. Happily, I've used my time wisely and the summer is nearly over... My babies are coming home soon!!!

Dealing with cancer sucks. Lack of dealing with cancer would be worse. I have a lot to live for, a lot to fight for and for the first time in my life, I have the love and support of a man I trust wholeheartedly. All of this mushy, "touchy feely" stuff is a little much at times, but I'm thankful for the growth, and to have someone love me enough to see me though all of this.

I'm better because you're in my life J.

"Christians"

I'm having a rough day. I have a gentle heart and I can't seem to let people's ignorant, hurtful comments and jabs just roll off my back. If we haven't even had a conversation, or met in person, what makes someone think they know enough about me to justify their less-than-kind behavior toward me?

Also, unless I'm doing something that negatively and directly affects someone else, why should they have ANY interest in the goings on of my life?! It's mind-boggling to me the number of people who say they "Know about my situation", they "Already know" this or that... Unless You hear it DIRECTLY from me, assume you know NOTHING.

You know what's even worse? Most of the negativity I have in my life is brought there by people who call themselves Christians. I am a Christ follower. Aren't we supposed to be sharing God's Love and be a candle to the world? I am not seeing people act like that too often! I see a bunch of gossipy, judgmental, rude, and spiteful people walking around trying to even some invisible scoreboard and I am getting frustrated!

*DEEP BREATH*

Okay... Tell ya what. To the few people who have tried to bring be down, I'm no longer giving you space in my head. You don't deserve my time. To the two women who have insulted my looks... You both are as pretty on the outside as you are on the inside, so maybe you should take a good hard look in the mirror before calling me a "5".  It looks as though I may have to continue to have you in my life, so I pray you can stop wasting your time throwing digs in my direction and learn to focus and be happy with yourself... because you're obviously not and I feel sad for you.

To the rude and gossipy people who have entered my life, WATCH OUT, because I'm going to go out of my way to do something nice for you. Maybe it's been a while since someone has been kind to you. Maybe you need an example or a reminder of how we should treat each other. I'm going to be that example for ya.

Since this is MY blog and I can do with it as I please, I'm going to take away the ammo for future hateful rebuttals.

I am a Christian, and like EVERYONE, I am a sinner (see NIV Romans 3:23).
My Misgivings are as follows:

• I have been cheated on and cheated back. 
• I have unmartial sex (at least once a day). 
• I have had more than one sex partner.
• I entered a relationship with a man during the required 6 month separation period of my divorce.
• I have lied approximately 50 times in my life (including calling in sick to work, and white lies about why I was late). 
• I have said "God-Dammit" and "Jesus" when I haven't been praying. as well as a few other broken commandments 
• I have hated someone.
• I have wished death on someone... heck, a few people.
• I have trouble forgiving certain things and certain people.
• I have an affinity for inappropriate, nighttime behavior in church parking lots (If they are churches of another religion I won' burn in hell will I?)

I am constantly changing and becoming a better, cleaner soul. I prefer to learn from my mistakes, but not dwell on them. If I think I can help someone by sharing my past with them, I will. If someone wants to know me better and asks about my past, I will answer honestly. Other than that, I try to leave my past with my God, live for today and build for my future.