New Year, New Blog!
You can follow along over at my new address: https://thestigmom.wordpress.com/.

Family Time Communication Questions

Every evening our family sits down together to eat. It get's a little crazy here, especially on the days we have all seven, but I know that no matter how hectic the day gets, I can always look forward to the uninterrupted family time that I so cherish. We go around the table asking specific questions about each other's day and talk about anything we feel we need to, highs and lows.

Gosh, I can't tell you how good it feels to have that open dialogue and the wonders it does for our closeness. I can't recommend it enough. If you're like me, you're always scouting refreshing ways to talk to your spouse and your kiddos. I stumbled upon a sweet little list today that may help you out.

*Long side note*
This list is specific to school aged children, but don't forget to ask your spouse about their day and let the children join in the conversation. Often, we forget to talk about what we do all day when we are not around our kids, but discussing our work with children can better expand their knowledge and understanding of the world and how things work. and to the parents who are able to stay at home or work from home, your job (really... JOBS) may seem mundane at times, maybe even seemingly unimportant, but it is a huge responsibility and discussing it with children and your spouse is not only cathartic, but just as informative to your spouse and children.

25 Ways to Ask Your Kids 'So How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'So How Was School Today?'

Happiness

A month ago, a Marine vet in Illinois pulled a beautiful photo off my friend's Instagram and put it on a facebook site, ridiculing my friend's partner for being a gay 1stSgt. The post was quickly removed but as you can likely imagine, my friends had to work hard to brush off the negativity from that experience.

I just want to say, I am so proud that I live in such a open and wonderful community and it warms my heart to see more people be warm and welcoming, even when they personally disagree with another's lifestyle. Oh yes, we can always improve but at least here, we truly live the american dream, "...life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

See more of my photos here and here.

Warrior Roots: History Brought to Light

My history was a long story. It's one of betrayal, illness, plot twists, death and vikings. Are you read for a read? Here it is:

Colleen Stafford, born in Bellingham, Washington in the 50's, twice divorced, mother of one,  was diagnosed in the 80's with one of the worst cases of MS seen by Washington doctors. Every specialist she saw gave her a short life expectancy but offered trial medications. She lost the ability to feel her lower extremities and with a grim diagnosis she found comfort at the bars and in the arms of strange men. She began an affair with the married neighbor across the street and soon found herself pregnant with me. She and her sister asked the man to be involved but he turn them away and told them to stop calling on him because they were going to ruin his family.

The doctors advised my mother to have an abortion. Her medical state and the medications she had to take had the doctors convinced that there was no chance I'd be born healthy and would likely die in the womb. They also advised that pregnancy would most definitely paralyze her and worsen her symptoms. She fought the pain and had me anyway... healthy against all odds. Her condition DID get worse and I was eventually placed in foster care with her brother (my uncle) while my older sister was placed in the care of her biological father. I was eventually adopted right before I turned 8, but I rarely ever saw my sister after the age of 3 and longed desperately for her, sending cards, letters and eventually emails without ever receiving a response.

Fast forward to 2000, my biological aunt gave me a newspaper clipping of a man's obituary
and told me that the man in photo was my father and that he had just died in a motorcycle accident. I never new him, I felt no emotion for him and filed the clipping away with my adoption paperwork and few cherished photos.


2004, Married and looking at my newborn son, I started to reminisce about family and wonder about my own parentage. I dug out my old box of keepsakes and really looked at the obituary for the first time. I began to wonder about his next of kin listed. Did he ever tell them about me? Was he really my dad? I am certain there was a possibility I wasn't his. How would his kids react if I looked them up and asked for a DNA test so I could have closure. The dread of potentially ruining someone's idea of their dad was worse than not having my answers (especially if a DNA test proved that we weren't related and it was all for nothing), so I closed the chapter in my life and moved on.

2013. Newly divorced and unpacking my new apartment, I ran across my paperwork. My biological mother lost her mind when I was little and took her final rest in 2011, so it's not like I could ask her for more information about it. I was finally ready to take the chance. The pain of rejection from my potential siblings wouldn't have been anything compared to the pain of my husband's betrayal that I had just started to grow from. I figured I'd have a better chance at a less emotional conversation with a man, so I looked up this deceased man's son on facebook and found him. I creeped on his profile a little to see what he was like, if we had similar features, and most importantly that he seemed mentally stable. It took longer than it should have to write up a draft, spilling my guts to a stranger. I sighed and convinced myself to hit "send", then I waited. Days went by. Weeks went by... Months went by, I figured he just thought I was a scam artist and decided not to respond.

Nearly a year to the day later, I received a reply, only to find out that my potential brother was not my sperm donor's biological son.

BUMMER!!!

That huge let down was quickly followed by more hope as he explained that his dad had adopted him, but had two daughters from a previous marriage. He was still close with one so he'd explain the situation to her and get us in touch! A few days later I was getting to know this awesome lady who happily entertained the idea of having another sister and she consented to a DNA test. We took one and had enough  alleles in common to  be able to say that we're half sisters.  I got my answer and now I could start the process of looking up our genealogy.







NEXT PROBLEM:

Bio dad was secretly adopted! Seriously? How many road blocks was I going to encounter with my paternal family quest!!! Luckily, my siblings knew he had been adopted and knew his biological parent's real names so I could continue on to find that my sisters and I are the 33rd-great grandchildren of Rollo.... Yup, Viking Rollo (Here's the genetic line to see how that works out.)

In the show Vikings, Rollo is the brother of Ragnar Lothbrok, however, Ragnar is a legendary Norseman based off of 4-5 other, very real warriors. Rollo is however, very much real and awesomely badass.  I am also a direct descendant of Constantine, Marcus Aurelius, and can trace a line all the way to Abraham... Yeah... Of the bible. I waited so long for answers and now, I have an abundance. 

Pop the Champagne!

My sweet husband and I try to dance together every day. One evening last year, I put on a song, one of my favorite, for us to enjoy.

I feel his gentle hands rest upon my waist, his adoring gaze mirrored by my own. The music begins. 

"I don't get many things right the first time" ... his smile widens and his head nods subtly in agreement.

"And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face, now I see it everyday, and I know That I am... The luckiest." He takes a deep breath, as if he is feeling the full capacity of his lung for the first time and quietly speaks, "This should be our first dance song. This is us." 

We continue to dance and he continues to listen to the rest of the song, chuckling at the similarities between the 'what if' scenario illustrated in the lyrics and our own conversations. He holds me closer than ever to his body and I can't help but to feel that's reflective of his emotions. He speaks the words "I love you" but before he lets me go he whispers, "I am the luckiest". 

J and I had initially planned a fancy wedding with about a hundred guests for this December, but the pressure and expense of a traditional wedding just didn't appeal to us. We called off the wedding with no intention of setting another date. One evening in late October I was up visiting my family in Washington State when I got a phone call from J. In our conversation he said he wanted to marry me when I came back home, no frills, no expense, just the two of us committing to spend the rest of our lives driving each other crazy. Well, Who could say no to that?

Two days before our ceremony I got an email from the company I ordered my dress from, saying the trucking company that was delivering my dress was involved in an accident and my dress was ruined. With only two days, there was no time to find another dress. I cried. My sweet love tried his best to console me and was finally able to remind me that he was marrying me, not a dress.

I had another dress that I had worn to our ball but I had lost a little weight and it needed to be taken in. I was able to find a seamstress to do the alterations rush but I wouldn't be able to pick it up until 10am on the day of our wedding. Knowing how lucky I was finding someone on such short notice, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. The day of our wedding, J and I went to pick it up and he insisted I try it on before we leave. I am reluctant because we are already cutting it close on time. He persisted and gave me "the look", The look of determination and a spine of steel. I sighed in defeat and stepped into the changing room. I stepped into my gown and tried to zip up the sides only to find, the zipper wouldn't budge! J had them fix it on the spot (which took another twenty minutes). I used the time to do my makeup and try not to cry over the remark that my seamstress made that I "must have eaten too much at Christmas". It's funny now, not too funny in the stress of the moment though.

We said our vows in an intimate ceremony the day after Christmas. I laughed when my husband recanted our first meeting, first date, and inside jokes and I cried when he vowed to pursue me until his dying day.

Photo Credit: Iconic Images

Although I was against it initially, we exchanged rings. My J wanted to have a token of our love to show. I rarely ever wear mine as I work hard with my hands, constantly sanding, painting, or scrubbing something, but the swell of pride I see on my sweet husband when he notices me wearing it is well worth the compromise of buying it.

Talking to our families before the ceremony.

We set up a video conference with our families so they could witness our ceremony.

J's Vows made me cry.

Jumping for Joy: We're married!

Our dear friends and witnesses

                  

We chose not to have our children at our initial ceremony, which we had quite a few remarks about. Although I don't need to explain the reasoning behind our decision, I want to. 

We believe that in a marriage, God comes first, spouse comes second and children come after. The Bible tells us that when we are married we become ONE with our spouse. Children are not to be the center of the home; God is. Children are a gift from God, they are on loan for parents to train up to be responsible, productive, and moral individuals.When children leave the home, many couples feel the sting of the empty nest and a spouse who they have neglected to invest in. 

J and I value our time with our children, and recognize that our marriage joins together two families as one, but inevitably, our marriage, the conception and maintenance of our union, is our responsibility, not theirs. 

J and I were able to spend the the entire week beforehand with all seven of our babies, and since we plan on renewing our vows annually, they will have more than plenty of opportunities to be involved in celebrating our marriage with us.

Our first meal as husband and wife? Sushi (of course)!

Looking forward to a lifetime of wedded bliss. 

For step parents who may be seeking advice, I found this article helpful when searching for my place in my partner and bonus kiddo's lives:

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/remarriage/staying-married/placing-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat-of-your-heart#.VQhp5o7F98E

The beautiful photos of our ceremony and dinner reception were taken by my dear friend and fellow photographer, Chrissie, of Bella Luce Photography. As a photographer, I place a high value on photos. The very first phone call after booking my venue and date was to book my photographer, and I am so glad I did. We get to savor these precious memories for the rest of our lives. 

The Orchid and the Dandelion

The University of Essex published a study illustrating how certain variances in the serotonin transporter gene impact emotional response development. This study is known as the Orchid and the Dandelion. To sum it up in layman's terms there are two kinds of people, Dandelions and Orchids. "Dandelions" adapt to nearly any environment and flourish while "Orchids" are sensitive to their environments and are much more prone to anxiety disorders, depression, crime and substance abuse. 

I have endured many painful circumstances in my life, but when I am withering I still seek out stronger foundations because I have the faith of a brighter future ahead of me. I pride myself on my ability to see situational failure as the stepping stones to lifetime success. When dealing with pain I have a few steps that help me back on my feet.

Take the time to feel emotional: 
I have come a long way in a few short years. I chose to shut off my emotions to become logical, cold, and calculated. I felt the need to hide the pain until I no longer felt it. That saved me for a few years, but I was stuck and couldn't mature emotionally. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions hurts, and I still find myself veering off into the deep logic side for shelter, but it's important for me to redirect and keep on course with the healing process. 

Process the pain and assess the circumstances:

Three skills are necessary at this step, clear judgement, unbiased listening, and assertiveness. the majority of my pain has usually included another person, so I usually talk this out with that person directly. Most people talk this out with those closest to them, but I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle so if I can't find someone I want to talk to about this particular situation I'll either talk it out with myself or my deity, either way, it's very difficult to have a dishonest conversation.

It's important to realize that pain carriers utilize thinking errors to over analyze situations and to keep you focused on what you don't like, often becoming more aggressive (the anger part of the 7 stages of grief). It's okay to get angry, I try not to stay in this stage for too long because it eats up the happiness in my life.

I ask myself questions like:

What my part was in the situation? 

Could I have handled it better, how?

Was this preventable?

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

What do I want to happen from here? 

How does this affect my long term goals?

How do I get myself back on track?

Learn what I can about myself and life:

Post-traumatic growth (yes, it's a real thing. Google it.) is the understanding that distress has the potential to be a catalyst for positive change. I may not be able to prevent every unpleasant situation in my life but I am determined to grow from my pain. The fact is, bad things happen to all of us but sitting around thinking of the bad that happens robs us of the good available. I am not responsible for every situation, good or bad, I may find myself in, but I am always responsible for my emotions and actions. 

Emotional and spiritual development always follow pain if you allow it. 

Lace up my proverbial boots and keep moving forward, even when I don't feel like it.

The show must go on. Suicidal ideations happen to the best of us, lord knows I've had my fair share, but there is always something better out there. There is always a bigger plan that you don't always get to see. Life is worth living.

I am a mother, a business owner/entrepreneur, a daughter, sister, and a friend. I can't quit, even if I wanted to. I have goals that need to be accomplished and recipes I need to master. My children deserve a mommy in their lives and I am the only one who can fill those boots. Equally as important, I have a higher purpose that will take a lifetime to fulfill: To share what I know about love and grace. One thing to know about love is that it always perseveres. Since love perseveres, then Orchids and Dandelions must as well.

TheStigMom + Siggy {Engaged}

My handsome partner and I made things official on the 27th of July with a delightfully saucy, non-traditional  proposal. We had both asked each other's parents for their blessings., excitedly shared the intimate details with our sisters and waited to share our happy news with our children, who'd all been bugging us to get married for over a year.

The Great Gatsby poster inspiration.

While I have experienced a proper wedding before, my love hadn't, and he is very insistent that we "...do things right" and have one. We decided on a stylized, 1920's wedding and we wanted wedding announcements that reflected the elegance of our chosen theme. My dear friend and I went thrift store shopping down in San Diego and found a few perfect period pieces, all for less than $50. I asked my creative director and assistant photographer to shoot a few photos for us and designed a fabulous (if I do say so myself) announcement based off a Great Gatsby movie poster Justin found.

In order to fully appreciate our announcement, you should know:

1. Justin and I have seven children between us from our previous marriages. We refer to them as the "Magnificent 7". 
2. We are not exchanging rings, I no longer believe in wedding rings nor the reasoning that they serve as a reminder and serve as a notice that you're taken. If you're doing it right, you won't need a reminder and honestly, rings aren't going to help anyone one be more faithful. Instead of rings we are using an ancient Celtic handfasting ceremony.
3. The gold, art-deco design took me 2 hours to recreate. It shouldn't have taken that long, but I may have celebrated beforehand with kahlua infused frappés. In any case, I'm getting married! Cheers!