Rehab the Nympho!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
~Erica Jong

Man, Last week was challenging for me SoCal is in the middle of a heatwave and I DO NOT handle heat well, plus, I am under a tremendous amount of financial strain, which, like most, affects me adversely. Poor J, He had to deal with not only the heat, but ME as well.

Different relationships have different expectations which bring out different behaviors. J makes me feel safe enough to be completely open and safe to admit my failures. This environment is conducive to my personal growth. I am becoming increasingly self aware which is making it easier to progress through difficult situations. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that my partner wants the best for me, that support is priceless.

J gently admitted that my sexual appetite is a little much for him right now, and just like supply and demand, when you have too much of something, the value decreases. Honestly, hearing that felt like a sucker punch. All I heard was, "Heather, I don't like sex with you as much as I used to, you crazy nympho." which of course, is not what he was saying at all. I have to remember that I am in my sexual prime, so I am going to want sex way more than the average guy. In addition, I went from barely getting any sex to getting it on the daily, and, like a fat kid tasting cake for the first time, I because gluttonous for a good thing.

J wants to use some of the time that we'd normally spend shagging, to talk more... you know, that little thing called communication that I recently [read: within the last twelve months] discovered I'm not that great at. Soooo... I guess we're going to be doing that.

All sarcasm aside, I would happily give up half of the sex J and I have to invest in a deeper understanding of one another. I love how this man challenges my mindset, coaches me on how to be a more assertive woman and not settle for an obedient, mundane life. I enjoy the results of the progress I've already made. As confusing as change can be sometimes, I am excited to continue to uncover the woman that's been stifled inside all these years, and bloom with a man who understands how to inspire the best from me.

Summer Updates!

Last month I decided to surprise my partner by dying my naturally golden locks to a dark shade of red and brown, however I was the one surprised when he looked at me with pity and exclaimed that he didn't like it... it reminded him of his ex wife! SHIT! I didn't break up with him over the comparison to his ex, though I momentarily considered it. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty and all, but who likes being compared to another woman, let alone an ex? I have been so busy that I haven't gotten around to removing the color, until right now. My son is at school and my oldest daughter and I are taking a "recess" from her home school studies long enough for her to watch PBS' "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" and me to make my natural, "dear lord please let this work" hair dye removal mixture. While my mixture is setting, I thought I may ignore my breakfast dishes to update this little outlet of mine.

My partner and I had his kids for a couple weeks this summer. What a blast! I learned soooooo much about Minecraft and yet there is so much more to learn. You know the scene in "Being John Malkovich" where John Malkovich goes inside his own brain and all anyone says is "Malkovich... Malkovich malkovich malkovich"? 

Well... Replace "Malkovich" with "Minecraft" and you have the nearly complete diary of my summer. 

J took his kids and I to Vegas where I met his mother, sister and her family. Unfortunately, the heat of the day proved to be too much for my dehydrated body and wasn't able to enjoy my time there as much as I would have liked. His family was very welcoming and I am looking forward to deepening our relationships. :) 

J and I overlooking the strip outside of New York-New York Hotel and Casino.

J and I got some time on the strip. We found our way to the empty top floor of The Rainforest Cafe where we canoodled under the faux forest canopy. We'd randomly stop and slow dance while walking the strip, we drank coffee at Jean Philippe Patisserie while listening to a pianist and people watching. Then, when my feet were sore from walking in heels the entire time, my man picked me up and carried me back to the car. Forget chivalry, J is just down right romantic. 

While in Vegas, my co-worker called to notify me that the restaurant we worked for suddenly closed, but everything happens for a reason and I was able to take the time I needed for other things. I had a procedure done to remove the cancer cells in my cervix, got registered for my fall classes and spent time running essential errands, bonded with J's kids and got ready for my children to return home.

This summer had many family adventures including the San Diego Fair, Seaworld, days spent playing in the pool, hikes and science discovery centers (see pics at the bottom)... but the one adventure I was ecstatic about, was my trip to the East Coast to pick up my kiddos from their Dad's house. I took the bus to catch the train to the airport.  I'm not used to public transportation, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting new people and listening to whatever stories they chose to divulge. I may have to take buses more often.

My kiddos were very excited to see me and I was able to give them lots of snuggles before crashing out on my ex's couch. My ex had to work so I packed up the kiddos' belongings and got them loaded up. Their dad fixed us dinner and I did a small photoshoot of him and the kids before taking off home. Three days in the car with three kids and I didn't even get a dern t-shirt! BUT what I did get is the solidification that my kids are AMAZING!   

My son, the "Co-Pilot" had the same sense of urgency to return to our West Coast home as I did. The reason? The kids and I were due to arrive home on a Friday night and our town's schools systems returned to school the following Monday. StigKidC just couldn't wait to get back home to play with "[his] brothers". StigKidG and StigKidA both took to J's daughter as their "sister" as well. It's almost a dream how well they all get along. 

My girls... The "Floaty Sisters"

J's kiddos are back with their mom and our little condo is feeling a little bit bigger (quite like the electric bill). J, StigKidC and I are very much looking forward to catching J's oldest son's weekly baseball games. :) J got some awesome news at work, and that means we may be moving... Good thing I decided to get my degree online instead of a brick and mortar. I now have the freedom to go anywhere, follow my heart, without having to interrupt my education (again).

Life keeps constantly moving and I am loving each and every day. On a mushy note, I've found my happiness. I found a man who stands beside me, a man who brings out the best in me and nurtures my soul. We can lay next to each other and talk for hours about things like universal energy, quantum mechanics, book ideas, random acts of kindness and how we can make this world a better place. He dances with me... all the time and he makes me laugh. I am so grateful that, today, for however long it lasts (I'm counting on forever), he is in my life. I am thankful that he is an amazing father figure for my children and looks out for them, plays with them, the same as his own. I am surprised when he uses words like "we" "us" and "our" when discussing his future. Yes... Our future. Our plans. Our family. Our happiness.

Oh how sweet it is. :) 

I am Not a Vulcan (anymore)

Preface

I have always been an excellent communicator, I simply wouldn't communicate my emotions (when I allowed myself to feel them). Lately, after much hard work and constant encouragement from my partner, I am learning to allow myself to acknowledge and process my feelings. This process, admittedly... Sucks. Having to acknowledge the tramas of my past, having to admit my insecurities and actually say when I'm feeling hurt or angry instead of "stuffing" it away... Ahh! Emotional overload!

To The Point

My children are supposed to with their father through the summer, they have been gone a little over a month. Although we talk daily and Skype, it's not the same as holding them in my arms. Without them with me, I could easily slip into depression, and granted I've had two days where I did nothing but laze about my condo, lost and missing them.

It's a daily struggle to remind myself why I decided to have my ex take them for the summer months. I am constantly saying, "You need to focus on school, keep your appointments, get rid of the cancer, get to know yourself, go out and have a little adventure, work, buy a new car..." I have a laundry list of goals I wanted to accomplish and interests I wanted to pursue, lists of things that would be much more difficult to do with my children present. Happily, I've used my time wisely and the summer is nearly over... My babies are coming home soon!!!

Dealing with cancer sucks. Lack of dealing with cancer would be worse. I have a lot to live for, a lot to fight for and for the first time in my life, I have the love and support of a man I trust wholeheartedly. All of this mushy, "touchy feely" stuff is a little much at times, but I'm thankful for the growth, and to have someone love me enough to see me though all of this.

I'm better because you're in my life J.

"Christians"

I'm having a rough day. I have a gentle heart and I can't seem to let people's ignorant, hurtful comments and jabs just roll off my back. If we haven't even had a conversation, or met in person, what makes someone think they know enough about me to justify their less-than-kind behavior toward me?

Also, unless I'm doing something that negatively and directly affects someone else, why should they have ANY interest in the goings on of my life?! It's mind-boggling to me the number of people who say they "Know about my situation", they "Already know" this or that... Unless You hear it DIRECTLY from me, assume you know NOTHING.

You know what's even worse? Most of the negativity I have in my life is brought there by people who call themselves Christians. I am a Christ follower. Aren't we supposed to be sharing God's Love and be a candle to the world? I am not seeing people act like that too often! I see a bunch of gossipy, judgmental, rude, and spiteful people walking around trying to even some invisible scoreboard and I am getting frustrated!

*DEEP BREATH*

Okay... Tell ya what. To the few people who have tried to bring be down, I'm no longer giving you space in my head. You don't deserve my time. To the two women who have insulted my looks... You both are as pretty on the outside as you are on the inside, so maybe you should take a good hard look in the mirror before calling me a "5".  It looks as though I may have to continue to have you in my life, so I pray you can stop wasting your time throwing digs in my direction and learn to focus and be happy with yourself... because you're obviously not and I feel sad for you.

To the rude and gossipy people who have entered my life, WATCH OUT, because I'm going to go out of my way to do something nice for you. Maybe it's been a while since someone has been kind to you. Maybe you need an example or a reminder of how we should treat each other. I'm going to be that example for ya.

Since this is MY blog and I can do with it as I please, I'm going to take away the ammo for future hateful rebuttals.

I am a Christian, and like EVERYONE, I am a sinner (see NIV Romans 3:23).
My Misgivings are as follows:

• I have been cheated on and cheated back. 
• I have unmartial sex (at least once a day). 
• I have had more than one sex partner.
• I entered a relationship with a man during the required 6 month separation period of my divorce.
• I have lied approximately 50 times in my life (including calling in sick to work, and white lies about why I was late). 
• I have said "God-Dammit" and "Jesus" when I haven't been praying. as well as a few other broken commandments 
• I have hated someone.
• I have wished death on someone... heck, a few people.
• I have trouble forgiving certain things and certain people.
• I have an affinity for inappropriate, nighttime behavior in church parking lots (If they are churches of another religion I won' burn in hell will I?)

I am constantly changing and becoming a better, cleaner soul. I prefer to learn from my mistakes, but not dwell on them. If I think I can help someone by sharing my past with them, I will. If someone wants to know me better and asks about my past, I will answer honestly. Other than that, I try to leave my past with my God, live for today and build for my future.

*Le sigh*

Since my divorce is so fresh, I can't help but wonder if these painful insecurities are a normal part of the healing process, or are they are wounds that I'm subconsciously holding on to.

I feel that I've always been replaceable to XH. I feel as if he never truly loved me, as if for our entire 11+ years together, we were just friendly strangers who raised children in the same house. Why was I the one he didn't want to take out? why was I the one he wasn't satisfied sleeping with? What could I have done that would have made him overjoyed to be married to me for the rest of our lives? Why do I get so upset that he doesn't publicly praise and recognize the cool shit I do for him just the way I used to praise and recognize him? Why the heck do I still think about all this anyway?!

I have to say, I'm doing pretty fricking great moving forward, I'm happier on my own, forging new bonds with others and rediscovering myself. But every once in a while, I feel a twinge of resentment that I couldn't feel this way with him. XH, seems so happy too, free to do the things he wants to most days while I'm still raising our kids fulltime.

I am continuously looking ahead, assessing the progress of my goals and dreams. I keep telling myself that soon I won't think of such things, but I know that's just my faith and determination talking and I can't say for certain if or when I'll feel completely over the "what if" notions I feel towards my failed marriage.

Memorial Day

In honor of Phillip Elgie's friends... brothers. May we never forget your honor and sacrifice.

Marine LCpl. Donald J. Hogan - KIA 08/26/09 Posthumously awarded the Navy Cross
Marine LCpl. Justin J. Swanson - KIA 11/10/09
Marine LCpl. Ralph J. Fabbri - KIA 09/28/10

I remember it being a beautiful Southern California day when Phillip Called me from Afghanistan. I expected it to be a normal phone call, "How is everything, How are the kids, what's going on with the business..." Typical.. Only I heard strain and silence on the other end.

Finally, after a few minutes of my prying, Phillip quietly spoke, "Hogan Died... My friend... Hogan. He got blown up."

I felt my heart drop. I didn't know Hogan personally, but his name had come up in conversation a few times since Phillip had been over "there".

I felt sad for Phillip, for the loss of his friends life, and for a moment i imagined what it would feel like for his family when they had to get that news.. But a few hours later it was back to business as usual. Without a second thought to the sacrifice that was given.

Phillip came home from Afghanistan, and I expected things to be the same as they were when he left, pick up the arguments we had put on hold, take the kids to the beach, but during the days Phillip was quiet, lost in thought, and during the nights, there were terrors. It was then that I began to understand. War and death had come home with him.

It is humbling to see the man you love cry, and it is a different feeling altogether to open your heart to a man who you never met, who you will never have a chance to meet. That is why, every year on the anniversary of Hogan's death, and Memorial day, I remember, honor and silently thank ALL who laid down their lives for their countrymen, as well as pray for those they had to leave behind.

La-La-La-La Life Goes On!

Goodness Gracious! It's been WAY too long since I've have time to post. Really, I don't have the time now, but I figured I'd start writing and see how far I get.

I MOVED!!! I sorted and packed up a two story, four bedroom, two and a half bath home and moved into a tiny 2 bedroom upstairs apartment. *Whew* It's crowded, but I hear that love grows best in little houses (If you don't know the song I'm referencing, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xCdyMq6z1c).

I happened to meet and become friends with some prominent members in our new town who just LOVE introducing me to everyone and are helping me adjust and settle into the area. My multimedia business took a hit as I chose to focus on family life and moving, so I picked up a part time job, working nights at a cantina to
help supplement the income until I can reestablish my business. I'm learning the ropes pretty quick 

Posing with some of my friends at my new job!

considering I had only ever been a hostess before, when I was 15, and now I'm working the kitchen and Bar! Everyone's pretty friendly and I love the shocked look on people's faces when I tell them I'm nearly 30. I honestly had no idea I looked young. I get 21 and 22 year olds guys asking me out and drinking all night just to flirt. It's great for my ego, especially after years of feeling old and worn down. I have a fresh smile on my face and I highly doubt it's going anywhere anytime soon. *Knock on wood*

My ex (XH from here on out) got his new duty station, teaching his MOS to others at the MOS school on the East Coast. He worked very hard to be able to do this and I am very proud of him! He'll be taking the kids for the summer. I'm weirded out, determined to work EXTRA hard in order to distract myself from thinking about not being with my babies everyday. I am also very excited for my son, "StigKidC". He is floored at the thought of living so close to Washington DC. He can't wait to see the Lincoln Memorial and the White House. My girls are very attached to me, so I genuinely hope they don't give their dad too much trouble... at the same time that I do. XH had the attitude that I should be able to run our business, be a full time mommy AND keep the house up. Hey, some women can, I am not one of those women, and I am very much hoping for an admission from XH that caring for children and working full time is a hard task indeed. However, I will not be holding my breath for an apology, nor do I require one.

My new business manager assisting on a shoot!

Oh, I finally got a business manager, which should help ease my work load. He'll be helping book, set up shoots, collect payments and since he's a photographer as well, I'll most likely be hiring him as a second shooter. He has already helped me on a few shoots and I couldn't be happier with his work and professionalism. It's wedding season so I am very blessed to have found him before all my wedding shoots.

                       

                       Playing catch up on April and May

The day after I moved into my apartment, I was involved in a hit and run accident. A guy ran a red light , hit me and then sped off. It took three weeks to fix up my van, but she's back good as new. Poor Stella.

I dyed my hair red! *Gasp* I love this vivacious, flirty color!

The end of April rang in a very exciting milestone in my family. I am now the mother of a nine and two year old! My oldest, "StigKidC" and youngest, "StigKidA", share a birthday! 

My Washington Bestie and her hubby came to visit! It was great seeing some familiar faces!