The Orchid and the Dandelion

The University of Essex published a study illustrating how certain variances in the serotonin transporter gene impact emotional response development. This study is known as the Orchid and the Dandelion. To sum it up in layman's terms there are two kinds of people, Dandelions and Orchids. "Dandelions" adapt to nearly any environment and flourish while "Orchids" are sensitive to their environments and are much more prone to anxiety disorders, depression, crime and substance abuse. 

I have endured many painful circumstances in my life, but when I am withering I still seek out stronger foundations because I have the faith of a brighter future ahead of me. I pride myself on my ability to see situational failure as the stepping stones to lifetime success. When dealing with pain I have a few steps that help me back on my feet.

Take the time to feel emotional: 
I have come a long way in a few short years. I chose to shut off my emotions to become logical, cold, and calculated. I felt the need to hide the pain until I no longer felt it. That saved me for a few years, but I was stuck and couldn't mature emotionally. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions hurts, and I still find myself veering off into the deep logic side for shelter, but it's important for me to redirect and keep on course with the healing process. 

Process the pain and assess the circumstances:

Three skills are necessary at this step, clear judgement, unbiased listening, and assertiveness. the majority of my pain has usually included another person, so I usually talk this out with that person directly. Most people talk this out with those closest to them, but I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle so if I can't find someone I want to talk to about this particular situation I'll either talk it out with myself or my deity, either way, it's very difficult to have a dishonest conversation.

It's important to realize that pain carriers utilize thinking errors to over analyze situations and to keep you focused on what you don't like, often becoming more aggressive (the anger part of the 7 stages of grief). It's okay to get angry, I try not to stay in this stage for too long because it eats up the happiness in my life.

I ask myself questions like:

What my part was in the situation? 

Could I have handled it better, how?

Was this preventable?

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

What do I want to happen from here? 

How does this affect my long term goals?

How do I get myself back on track?

Learn what I can about myself and life:

Post-traumatic growth (yes, it's a real thing. Google it.) is the understanding that distress has the potential to be a catalyst for positive change. I may not be able to prevent every unpleasant situation in my life but I am determined to grow from my pain. The fact is, bad things happen to all of us but sitting around thinking of the bad that happens robs us of the good available. I am not responsible for every situation, good or bad, I may find myself in, but I am always responsible for my emotions and actions. 

Emotional and spiritual development always follow pain if you allow it. 

Lace up my proverbial boots and keep moving forward, even when I don't feel like it.

The show must go on. Suicidal ideations happen to the best of us, lord knows I've had my fair share, but there is always something better out there. There is always a bigger plan that you don't always get to see. Life is worth living.

I am a mother, a business owner/entrepreneur, a daughter, sister, and a friend. I can't quit, even if I wanted to. I have goals that need to be accomplished and recipes I need to master. My children deserve a mommy in their lives and I am the only one who can fill those boots. Equally as important, I have a higher purpose that will take a lifetime to fulfill: To share what I know about love and grace. One thing to know about love is that it always perseveres. Since love perseveres, then Orchids and Dandelions must as well.

TheStigMom + Siggy {Engaged}

My handsome partner and I made things official on the 27th of July with a delightfully saucy, non-traditional  proposal. We had both asked each other's parents for their blessings., excitedly shared the intimate details with our sisters and waited to share our happy news with our children, who'd all been bugging us to get married for over a year.

The Great Gatsby poster inspiration.

While I have experienced a proper wedding before, my love hadn't, and he is very insistent that we "...do things right" and have one. We decided on a stylized, 1920's wedding and we wanted wedding announcements that reflected the elegance of our chosen theme. My dear friend and I went thrift store shopping down in San Diego and found a few perfect period pieces, all for less than $50. I asked my creative director and assistant photographer to shoot a few photos for us and designed a fabulous (if I do say so myself) announcement based off a Great Gatsby movie poster Justin found.

In order to fully appreciate our announcement, you should know:

1. Justin and I have seven children between us from our previous marriages. We refer to them as the "Magnificent 7". 
2. We are not exchanging rings, I no longer believe in wedding rings nor the reasoning that they serve as a reminder and serve as a notice that you're taken. If you're doing it right, you won't need a reminder and honestly, rings aren't going to help anyone one be more faithful. Instead of rings we are using an ancient Celtic handfasting ceremony.
3. The gold, art-deco design took me 2 hours to recreate. It shouldn't have taken that long, but I may have celebrated beforehand with kahlua infused frappés. In any case, I'm getting married! Cheers! 

Mama's home made chicken salad spread (perfect for hot summer days)

I've gone straight pescatarian so I no longer partake in meat with legs (RIP bacon, I loved you well), however, I still make the love of my life meaty foods and yes, for a "salad spread" this is meal is still MEATY!

You will need:

• rotisserie chicken
• celery seed
• grapes
• sweet onion
• celery 
• almond slivers
• mayonnaise 
• mango chutney

Start with a rotisserie chicken, store bought, but if you have the time and desire to make one, more power to you. I strip the meat off the bones and put it into a large bowl.                                                                                   Sprinkle celery seed over the chicken (about a small palm full).                                                                                   

 Wash grapes and slice in half. As many as you wish, I prefer about 3 handfuls of grapes.




Below are two videos showing variations of ways to easily cut your grapes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Dice half a sweet onion (I prefer Walla-Walla Sweets) and add them to the mix.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Chop up a stick of celery. Add to the mixture.                                                                                                                                                         









 Add 1/2 cup sliced almonds to mixture.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  In a small bowl mix together a cup and a half cup mayonnaise and mango chutney (to taste) I start with a tablespoon and taste test from there.

I had a hard time finding Chutney in the grocery store in my new town. I ended up finding it with the spices, in my old store I could find it in the aisle with the jams and jellies.

                 





                                     

                                                                                                                                                          Once you have your sauce mix blended and perfect for your taste, mix it in with the rest of your chicken spread.  

 

Although it's tasty on it's own or on bread, I prefer to serve my chicken salad spread on a croissant.

Surprise

Last night, the love of my life came home late again. I don't really mind, I've accepted that is just a part of his new job. On his way home, he called to tell me to pack some clothes before going to bed.

What was he up to?

This morning we get up before the crack of dawn and drive down to SD. He tells me he has to work for a little while but we are getting a hotel for a surprise mini vacation. Then he said a bunch of other romantic stuff that gave me butterflies. He showed me around his work area as much as he is allowed and now I wait at Starbucks, coffee in hand, contemplating how much  I have underestimated his ability to be spontaneous.

Dudes, take note. My man is writing the book on how to sweep a lady of her feet. 

Dating Your Best Friend (on a budget)- Making the Ordinary Extraordinary

I've been called a cheap date a time or two and honestly, there was a time when I used to take offense to that. Cheap? It's called frugal! And frugal is an AWESOME thing. I put a high value of my time, which means if I give you my time, I value you. I want to spend my time doing activities that enrich my life. 

My first time around I married an introvert, indoor and movie lover, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just I needed him to come do things that I wanted to do as much as I compromised and did things he enjoyed... and , well... that just didn't happen. The thing I enjoyed most about our dates was the detailed, post movie conversation we had afterward.

With J, it's different. He's my intellectual equal. He's social, constantly seeking new ways to improve himself and has a love for frugality as much as I do. J and I have an unspoken challenge to find ways to make our ordinary, everyday tasks extraordinary. 

EVERYDAY BEHAVIOR ADDS UP (choose to make your mate a priority)

J reading to me. 

I am usually home when J gets home from work. It doesn't take much of an effort to greet your mate, but I'm a firm believer that taking the time to warmly welcome someone home sets a positive tone. I welcome J home with a warm smile and a passionate kiss. Sometimes I run and jump into his arms which makes him laugh. I adore his laugh. I'm a business owner, photographer, designer and student, so when J gets home, there's a good chance I'm working at the computer. When I'm not at the computer, I'm usually in the kitchen cooking dinner. J and I are parents, we have ambition and so many things we have on our to-do lists every day. We are able to keep the spark in our relationship by completing the tasks we have to do as a team. We tell stupid jokes, we have pun competitions, we do the dishes together, we blog together, we Pinterest together...Yes, my manly man is on Pinterest, pinning home improvement, art, and wedding stuff. We take long soaks in our bath tub, take long walks at under the stars, get up and jog in the mornings, take our kids hiking, fishing, camping, do yoga, read books to each other, work on our business together, meet up for lunch and thrift store dates and spend every night we're together wrapped up in a tight cuddly embrace. 

What you do with your time is a choice. When you prioritize your mate, you have a better chance for a happy and successful relationship. 

MIXTAPE CHALLENGE

One of my favorite things to do with J is our "Mixtape Challenge". We choose a theme, a song limit and put together a mix cd that adheres to our rules by a set day. We take turns listening to each other's cd's, explain our thoughts behind our selections and then choosing the winner. 

COMMUNITY EVENTS

We live in and near awesome communities. There are weekly Farmer's markets, every couple months there are street and vendor fairs and the best part? They're all free and full of educational information (and samples). Just last night we went to the Sunset Farmer's Market in our neighboring city. We enjoy all the live bands, street food (did I mention the free samples?), unique art and products, and meeting new people. We followed it up with a walk on the pier. It's tradition, We've been enjoying this event since we met. Usually we'd include sushi, but since we're pinching pennies we ate a bacon wrapped street dog instead. We also used to spend more time just walking on the beach, but we had the kids with us and they were getting tired so we came home a little earlier than normal. 

SHOPPING CHALLENGE

We are bargain hunters. We make lists of the things we want, budget an allotment, and compete to see who can get the most for our money. We hit up thrift stores, consignment stores, garage sales and internet resale sites.

DANCING

We dance.. ALL THE TIME. Every day we take time to dance to at least one song together. Usually it's while we're waiting on dinner to finish cooking, or while the kids have their free time before bed. Man, dancing together really helps keep the romance in our crazy relationship. 

SEXY TIME

We take advantage of the time we spend without the kiddos. Sweet romance is nice, but sometimes, I just want to feel that burning passion and sexual desire that comes with activities that are a little more naughtier than our norm. Sometimes, we pretend that we just met and flirt with each other. We whisper sexy things to each other (we tend to do that all the time) and sometimes, we are a bit more daring. Keeping a healthy sexual appetite with your mate is important. Sexual intimacy, making love, doesn't have to mean "vanilla sex". If that's what you and your partner are into, go for it. I'm certainly not criticizing it, it's just not always what works for my partner and I. 

NOTES

My love and I hide love notes for each other. It's so fun to find an unexpected note carved into a banana, in the fridge, on an unplugged curling iron, in a wallet, written on the car windshield, in a journal, on the car dash, in the books we're reading.  A few times, my sweetheart hid things for me along my jogging route, or set up a scavenger hunt. Thinking up creative places to hide these notes (where they'll be found) takes insight into the other person's life. It shows you pay attention to their habits and took the time to make them feel special; and that often means more than what's written on the note itself.

J and I work very hard, we are very ambitious, goal oriented people with a bunch of kids (his four and my three) that take up a most of our weekends. We fought hard to find a happy balance between our relationship and his limited schedule with the first loves of his life (his children). 

We believe that we're soul mates, but here's a secret. Even people who are meant to be together still must choose to make things work. Love that was meant to be can still be ruined if not handled with care. J and I don't ever want our love to wither away which is why we put so much time and effort into each other. 

Relationships take a lot of effort, relationships with people who have children takes even more effort. Our relationship isn't perfect, but we work hard to smooth out all the kinks and keep the passion. I am fortunate enough to love a man who is romantic in unusual ways. He plays close attention to me, he honors me in all ways, even publicly adoring me. He shouts out his love for me from the proverbial rooftops, aka: social media and I love every minute of it.

Finding a lifetime best friend is uncommon. Finding true love is rare. When you find both a best friend a true love  in the same package, it's rare and precious and should be treated as such. 

"SOMEDAY" When Exactly is That Again?

I come off as a brave woman, but the truth is, given my history with men, I had been afraid of giving my heart completely to another person just to be emotionally destroyed. I'm tough, but having to start over last time sent me into a dark depression that I just don't want to have to experience again. The last few months, However, some things have changed. 

After over five years of pain and anger, I have been able to finally forgive my ex husband which left so much more room in my heart for the amazing things God has planned for me.

Justin and I started off the year by regularly attending church and diving back into seeking God. Justin said he has learned so much about how to be a man and how God wants him to treat me. I love being with a man who has a heart for God. 

I realized that out of bitterness, I had come to institutionalize rather than honor the sanctity of marriage. Because I had been so deeply hurt in my last marriage, I formed the perspective that marriage is just a piece of paper where two people get different tax exemptions for merging their lives. In my mind, when you love someone, when you live with someone, when you join households and raise children with someone, the government should just keep out of it. Well... Loving God the way I do, I know what his word says. Marriage isn't between two people, when you're a Christian, Marriage is a covenant between two people AND GOD. Marriage is about faith, not numbers. 

Being completely open with you, the last two weeks have laid a heavy burden on my heart. Yes, It's true I'm a nympho, but I'm a nympho with a conscience and deep roots in my faith. I am of the firm belief that it's God's plan for his people to get married before engaging in sexual activities. I'm not married and have been engaging HEAVILY in sexual activities. That's not a "whoops"... I didn't accidentally fall naked on top of his manhood, I have been directly violating God's word. Justin and I love each other as man and wife. People mistakenly refer to me as Justin's wife and he doesn't correct them; He says he views me as his wife and I respond by saying that's a title that I haven't earned. He rebuttals that I will be someday. 

After talking with two of my friends that are about to get engaged, one dating a few months longer than J and I , and another started dating long after J and I... I'm genuinely happy for both of them, not even jealous a little. I know Justin and I are working on our own timeline. We have so many goals we want to accomplish before entering marriage again, the thing of it is, I want more than a promise. Words have a face value, ACTION is my love language. Justin says he wants to marry me, someday, I don't want to rush to the alter, but it was time we sat down to figure out just WHEN someday placed in our timeline. 

Being the logical (read: nerdy) people we are, Justin and I literally drew out our ideal timelines and shared them with each other. They were so stinking similar, except for one thing... getting engaged. My ideal timeline includes getting engaged between now and right after I graduate (in about 19 months), have a longer engagement where we save up for our dream wedding and honeymoon, Justin retires and then we get married. Side note: Getting married after retirement stems from me telling him from the start I don't want to marry a Marine. Getting to know him, I realize he's not a typical Marine, so I wouldn't even mind marrying him before he retires. In Justin's ideal timeline, engagement comes about a year before the wedding and in that time we fit in relationship counseling and marriage preparation classes. He says he wants to do it right this time and set us up for success. Over the last few months, he had kept mentioning that he isn't quite ready for marriage (Which I happen to agree with). I know my reasons for not feeling quite ready (I want to focus on my education and job and continue to build my multimedia empire, getting married would decrease my federal funding, J and my kids are working on their emotional bonds, we need to work out our differences in parenting styles), but I wanted to hear his reasons. His two issues are:

• He doesn't feel like he can provide for me while in debt (I definitely agree that we should start off marriage debt free).
• He's afraid of "screwing things up with [me]" and wants to take marriage and relationship classes to help learn how to be the best husband possible. 

I don't feel we should wait until a year before marriage to engage in relationship/family counseling. That's been something I've been bringing up since October last year. So we'll be starting counseling at the end of spring sports (right before summer) and regularly attend until we get married (probably after as well). 

My heart belongs to Justin already, that shouldn't shock anyone. we've known for a while that we were headed toward to alter, it's just nice to have a timeline. If you're a close friend or family reading this, look for your Save-The-Date invites to our fall 2021 wedding on a mountain lodge TBD. Hope to see you there. :) 

Mama Did a Bad BAD thing

Yes indeed. I considered not telling my partner the terrible thing I had done. But at 12:00 this morning, when my loving, faithful partner came home from his field-op, I chose to come clean with him. At first he didn't believe me, until I showed him the evidence hiding in the closet. 

No... It wasn't a man,

it was a $275 hair straightener!

Sutra 19mm Curling wand 

Now, I didn't pay $275 for it, or for the additional curling wand I bought with it... but this girl isn't used to spending money on beauty products, and anything over $100 per pay period, has always been completely out of the question for me. 

Yesterday was different.

I've been stocking money away, I've been able to afford new (not consignment) clothing items for all my kids (and J's), all my bills are been paid on time, the kitchen is stocked, I've got savings (for myself and my children), emergency funds retirement, healthcare... I still felt guilty.

Sutra Straightener

I showed J my receipt and he tried finding a better deal online. After he searched, he smiled at me and said I did a good job negotiating that deal and he was HAPPY that I spent money on myself, then he reminded me to reallocate my budget accordingly.

Each curling wand and straightener retails for $275, I bought both of mine for a total of $189.99 The heat cases retail for $20, not including tax, I paid $10 for both of my cases. My total, including California sales tax came to $216.00. 

I had $100 allotted for fun money, I had $50 remaining for fun money from last pay period, leaving $56 dollars that I need to rearrange in my budget. I am taking 30 dollars from my gas account (I'm going to a closer campus and have had excess fuel lately). The remaining $26 will come from my grocery budget (I allot more than needed and have had an extra every month of about $50)

On a related note, while shopping for my children at Carter's yesterday, I got a $20 register reward. I then went next door to TJ Maxx to shop for my oldest, I couldn't find anything, except an elderly woman who was struggling in the newborn boy section. She said she had thirty dollars to spend and their selection for boys was limited. She was frustrated. I told her that I was just in Carters and they had the cutest clothing for boys and she should try shopping there. Then I handed her my register rewards and told her how to use them. She was so grateful that she came back and handed me a candy bar and left the store smiling. Giving to that lady was the highlight of my day!

The Tale of Two Perspectives

Oh man, I had a night full of nightmares that kept waking me up. I ended up so exhausted that I slept through our alarms. Being tired is not a great way to start the day... So grumpy. :(

REWIND! ---------> let's look at this from a better perspective.

This morning I got to sleep in until 6:30, waking up only when my sweetheart gently caressed my face and shoulders, whispering sweet things to me. Once I was awake he stirred my brain by jarring the memory of our "circle of power, circle of influence" conversation, gave me a task to complete for our business. When he went to leave for the day, I listened for the door to close so I could spring up and catcall him from the bedroom window.... But the door didn't close... And I waaaaaaaaited.... And... Then he SPRANG himself on the bed folding me up in his arms, kissing me and saying "I love you woman!"

Those little moments bring lasting joy and make all the difference to my day. <3

Godly men

How a man treats his mate is evidence of his moral character. The same goes for women. I have noted that partners who honor their mate are more likely to keep the physical and emotional passion throughout their lifelong relationship. *Food for thought*

American Divorce Statistics

The Worst Date of My Life!

Friday, I had the worst date I've ever had in my life. Our first stop was fine/ We went to Hennessey's Tavern in the Gas Lamp District and listened to a funk band. They were good and groovy. Here's a clip of one of their sets that night.

I thought we may have been on our way to getting over our grumpy moods but it just went downhill from there. Even while J and I were fighting, he still opened my doors, we still shared a hot cocoa and he still took my hand and danced in the middle of a Starbucks to slow jazz. We even had a gentleman interrupt us to tell us how refreshing it is to see two people so openly passionate. At this point the thought kept popping up that crimes of passion are technically still passion.

Saturday morning we were still at odds. I considered sending him up to his boys opening baseball ceremonies by himself, but I promised the boys I'd be there and I didn't want to hurt them. Besides, I probably would've only stewed, and I didn't want to be even more upset.

 J and I had a heated discussion about our roles, flexibility and willingness to compromise in our relationship. I feel that I work extremely hard and am doing great balancing all my priorities. Justin agrees, but has two triggers, one is making sure he has adequate time with his kiddos and the other is his need for the house to be clean all the time. When he comes home and the house is messy (which happens from time to time, with my schedule and two young mess makers in the house) Justin starts acting grumpy, giving me the cold shoulder or shutting himself in our room until he can deal with it. I feel, after everything I do all day, he should try to have a little more understanding and he feels that since it's the ONLY thing he asks of me, that I should make more of an effort. We were stuck in the car, discussion going in circles, I was feeling completely unappreciated when his pride got the best of my temper and I said,

 "Why don't you just go find someone better then!" I immediately regretted it but I wanted him to say that he didn't want someone better, he wanted me... Only those words were never spoken. He turned up the radio and I sat holding back my tears.  I asked him to stop at the store so I could buy a bouquet of flowers for his ex-wife to show our appreciation of all the hard work that went into their kiddos' baseball season (that has only just begun). He got even more upset. He said I do so much for everyone and asked when I planned to take time just for me.

I didn't see how that affected him at all and informed him that I am able to spend a lot of time reflecting and recharging throughout the week, but that I'm a woman and have different ways I am able to relax. He dropped me off at the store but refused to come in. I was completely turned off by his behavior, but not ready to throw in the towel.

We arrived at our destination and I asked him if he was ready to give up on us. I told him that the decision was his. He looked over at me, clearly hurt with a bit of anger and confusion and said it sounded like I made the decision for him. I assured him that I was close to that point, but didn't want pride to get in the way of a relationship that we have worked so hard for. Before he answered, his kiddos had pulled up beside us and we exited the car to greet them and their mama. Our giant group started walking to the opening ceremony but I held J behind  for a moment. "If you want to give up on us, I get it." I continued, "But if you want to work it out, you better kiss me right now and we'll figure things out later."

He kissed me, and I smiled and pressed my lips up for another kiss. The nukes were put away and our personal cold war was put on a temporary hold.  A moment later we were back with all the kids, ready to focus on celebrating their spring baseball season.

Now, I know guys *usually* need space when they're upset, but I have this flaw, where it's hard for me to let other's be when we have issues between us that need to be resolved. However, I can give others their needed space if I can be reassured of our relationship. When I asked Justin to kiss me, I was asking for reassurance. He loves me enough to meet me halfway, even after I acted like a hormonal teenager. We are both imperfect humans with so much left to learn about communication. These little arguments are NOT enjoyable, but I do enjoy the growth and humility that comes from them.

Break it Down "Barney Style"

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations.
Albert Einstein

When I heard this quote for the first time today it impacted me greatly. I have a tendency to get caught up in my work and become very technical, almost cold, when it comes to presenting facts.

Last week I had researched social and family theories in relation to blended family systems and wanted to share this incredible information with my partner. My partner's brilliance is the main reason why we're in a relationship so in my excitement, I approached him with my newly discovered information in their technical form. I soon became discouraged when I didn't get the reaction I had anticipated.
He said, "Babe, I'm excited that you're excited, but the way you're talking to me is clinical and cold. I am having trouble following you, this isn't interesting me."

I am so thankful he said that. He made me look outside of my perspective, beyond the facts and think about how I could explain the helpful, intriguing information in a manner that could be better understood.

In the end, I think I still bored him, and when I gave my final presentation I may have been "too thorough". Yes, I aced my final, but I'm disappointed that I didn't make my information more entertaining and memorable. You can bet that I'm going to keep working at it.

Stuffed Cupcake Recipe

I'm not held responsible if you gain ten pounds just by looking at these photos. These are delicious but to be eaten in moderation as they have a very high sugar content.

This recipe yields about 24 cupcakes
PREHEAT OVEN to 350 °F.

Ingredients: 
Cupcake
1 box of Chocolate cake mix (I normally use triple chocolate or devil's food)- prepare as directed

Filling
1 8oz package of cream cheese
1 egg
1 Tsp Vanilla Extract
3/4 cup sugar
1/8 Tsp salt
1 package semi-sweet chocolate chips

Filling ingredients

Blend filling ingredients together in a medium bowl

Add semi-sweet chocolate chips

Fold chocolate chips into filling mix

My secret ingredient, I add a few dashes of cinnamon to add a little extra warmth

Mix cinnamon into filling mix

Add a spoonful of filling mix into the center of the cupcake batter

Don't worry about pressing the filling down, the density will pull it down into the center while baking

Don't forget to save those Box Tops for your local schools!

Bake for about 18-25 minutes at 350°F

You can adjust the amount of filling based on personal preference. 

I suggest removing the wrapper before consumption, unless you're a goat. 

Share with someone you love

Finding Inspiration Via Dead Poets

If you find yourself in need of a little inspiration, this works for me, perhaps this will do it for you too.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

Upped My Investment Game

Yesterday was a BIG day of celebrations in my home. I was able to invest more into my family's future.

When I met my ex husband, I was a teenager, working full time after school as an optician's assistant, with a paid for junker car, money in the bank, Roth IRAs and thought I would die of embarrassment if I were to over draw my checking account. After a year of dating, I suggested that we invest together, which worked out for a couple months and dropped off when we got pregnant and started planning our future life together. Within our first year of marriage we were practically living in the red. I was horrified, but we had a new baby to feed. We cashed in all the investments to keep us afloat during those hard years until eventually, our

My firstborn baby, StigKidC

camera gear became the only assets we owned.

I was a doormat wife. I tried talking to my husband about smart choices with our money, but I knew that it was him bringing in the income and he, as the leader of our home, who got to make the decision in the end. I can't tell you how many times in the tens years of our marriage that we went in the hole because he prioritized his wants over the needs of our family. In the later years of our marriage, I had given up trying to discuss finances, beyond telling him how much we needed for groceries. I started becoming jealous that he was out having a good time, while the kids and I were dressed in hand me downs. So I went out and started spending too. That isn't the best idea, I don't advise that. Eventually I started working more, earning my own income to do with as I pleased (much better idea). At this point in my marriage I knew I was ready for a divorce, but I was bitter and damn sure wanted HIM to pay for it, because in my mind, I had paid many times over. I was still spending. I got my hair done for the first time in two years, I took a vacation, I bought new clothes and shoes for the kids and I. I was living for the first time... but I still regret not investing or saving more.

Now, I've met this awesome guy who got into debt in his first marriage and is working with "gazelle intensity" to pay it all off within 2 years. Just being on the same page about finances motivated me to get my personal finances on track. Of course, I have savings accounts for myself and my children. Last month Justin and I saved up a joint emergency fund, I'm bringing in a profit from my multimedia business and making additional money by selling unwanted items and... my tax refund has arrived.

Let me just preface this by reiterating; Justin and I budget every penny BEFORE it arrives in our bank accounts. We list out our bills, including gas, groceries, a small amount of fun money and anything that's left over gets divided up into Savings, Tithe and paying off debt. (Honestly, We aren't quite doing this right, tithe and savings should be the first 10% (each) of the income, not just what's leftover, but I know we'll get there). So, of course, we had planned out what to do with my tax return well before we got it. The breakdown is below.

I buy my insurance and do most of my banking through USAA. They are an amazing company to do business with, I just LOVE them! I know USAA offers free financial advice so J and I called them up to answer questions and help us invest for my children's college. My financial adviser, Tawnya, also asked me if I had thought about investing in my own retirement and investing in life insurance. Now, I'm a skeptical girl. For a month I worked to get a job with a life insurance company  just to turn down the job in the end because I believed they were more in the business of scamming people instead of helping. However, Listening to Dave Ramsey, I am also under the belief that when researching policies I should make sure to seek Term-Life insurance. [To learn more about Life insurance, check out cswsiggy.blogspot.com]

I lost my life insurance coverage and split retirement benefits in the divorce. I was in need of a new policy, and this time, one that I was in control of.. what I didn't know was J was also in the market for additional coverage. We both got pre-screened, appointment set for medical exams, and quotes for 30 year, Term policies.

Next up was investing in my retirement account. Having invested before, my adviser and I discussed low. moderate and high risk portfolios. I was seeking investments in which I could continually make contributions throughout the year. I eventually ended up choosing the Cornerstone Moderate Fund. The fund has about a 50% equity security/50% fixed income security target asset class allocation... basically, half stocks, half

Cornerstone Mutual Fund History

bonds. I can actively track my investments and (of course) I get quarterly statements. $1000 bought me 66 units and has a steady monthly rate of return.

Finally, my adviser and I got to the most important investments to me, my children's college funds. To my knowledge, no one ever saved for me to go to college. It was a struggle just to put food on the table. My parents told me that if I wanted to go to college, I'd have to get there on a scholarship. I went to an extremely competitive high school and I knew that even though I was an honor roll student, I didn't have the extra curricular activities and foreign languages required for traditional four year colleges. I had no idea about federal grants until a week before I gave birth to my oldest child. Ever since then, I've been making my way through higher education and it's important to me to help my children make their way through college as well. I am a moderate risk kind of person and I again chose a moderate risk, 529 investment plan for the children. StigKidC will be ten this year, which means he has about 8 years until college with only a small savings to his name. I decided to invest double the amount into his account than I did my girls since I have a little more time to invest in their funds.

The next financial goals are beefing up our emergency fund, saving for a house and adding legacy funds to my estate for all seven of our kiddos.

Cheers to me, for being in financial control of my future and many more wise decisions to come!

Not in the clear yet.

Last week I got a phone call from my old doctor telling me that I need to come in for more tests. I had to tell him that I was no longer covered under the same insurance and couldn't be seen there anymore. He urged me to find a new doctor and assured me they'd send over my files so I could continue my tests and treatments on schedule. I thanked them and got on with my busy day. But something built up inside of me. ANXIETY. I am so tired of tests and little surgeries and the aches and pains that comes with it all. I am so afraid that this time, my doctors will say I need a hysterectomy or that cancer cells are spreading. This is such a frustrating cycle.

A few days after the call, my partner came home from being in the field and I ended up crying to him, feeling like a wimp. He held me, listened to me feel sorry for myself, listened to my fears, how I don't want to keep fighting when I'm only going in circles, how even though I have my tubes tied, I'm afraid of losing the ability to carry children ripped away from me (because however against it I am now, someday, I *may* want to try for one more with the man I love) and when I was through, he pried my face up with his hands and told me that no matter what I felt like doing, it's important that I continue to FIGHT... for as little or long as it will take because my children need a mother and he is counting on growing old with me.

I closed my eyes and more tears drained out, but this time they were of relief and even joy. I am such a lucky girl to have such an incredible man help dress me in proverbial armor and ready me for war. He was beside me the last three procedures and he's still beside me, prepared for whatever may come.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the moment. Sometimes I feel like giving up on the struggle and quitting. It makes all the difference in the world to have people in my life who love me and encourage me to keep in the fight.

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